Red Dawn Redux

The good folks at Shakesville provide a running commentary for the greatest “it could happen” movie of all time… Red Dawn.

2:45: Patrick Swayze drops off brother Charlie Sheen and friend Arturo at high school.

4:30: Russians invade, begin takeover of vitally important geo-political town of Calumet.

5:25 – 6:45: Communist Bastards murder affable history teacher. Begin radical communist plan of winning U.S. hearts and minds by slaughtering high school students.

6:46: Patrick Swayze and pickup truck rescue brother Charlie Sheen and friends including C. Thomas Howell at high school.

6:58 – 7:06: NRA members see their worst nightmare come true as the owner of a truck with the bumper sticker “You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” on it lies dead on the road. A Communist Bastard comes by and pries the gun from his cold, dead hand.

7:50: While escaping from town in their truck, Swayze and crew drive past Arturo’s father. Roughly 75 Communist Bastards attack Arturo’s dad simultaneously. Arturo is bummed.

8:00 – 9:00 C. Thomas Howell’s 80-year-old dad runs a roadside gas station that doubles as an armory. Swayze and crew load up and escape to the hills, stopping once so Swayze can shame the youngest of them into pissing into the radiator.