Post Rapture Pets

You know what’s the worst part is about being bat-shit insane a fundamentalist christian? No, it’s not the spontaneous frothing at the mouth whenever you see a rainbow flag pass by. That can be quite fun! The worst part is not knowing what will happen to your pets once you’re whisked away to heaven to watch the torment that will come to those who chose the wrong god (if any!) to worship.

The good news is that there is a website that will help you in making preparations for fluffy after you’ve been raptured.

Pet Sitters
* You should have multiple back up sitters available in case your primary
sitter is taken up in the Rapture.
* You’ll also need some kind of system to alert them that you’ve been taken
up. You’ll probably need to have some kind of prepayment plan, since you
won’t be around to write checks.
* For advice on picking a pet sitter, check out Evaluation

Pet Food

* You’ll need some kind of auto dispenser as well. The Rapture and
Tribulation times will be very chaotic, so something with a battery backup
may be a good idea.
* This should only be needed for a short time assuming you’ve made other
arrangements for them through a sitter or friends.

Clean Water

* This can be an automatic watering system, or something as simple as
leaving a sink or the bathtub water running.

But how can you find a pet sitter who will be reliable? Shouldn’t there be a mathematical formula so that we can evaluate potential caretakers?

Deciding who to leave your pets with can be very confusing. Fortunately, I’ve
come up with a quick way to evaluate potential caretakers.

Each person needs to be evaluated on two dimensions.

1. Rapture Index
2. Reliability Index

Fortunately, both of these can be evaluated by knowing only one fact about the
person – their religion. Simply consult the table below to find their Rapture
Index and Reliability and use the following formula.

Suitability Index = Reliability Index * (100 – Rapture Index)

(via Friendly Atheist)