Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal SUCK


Dear George Lucas, (CC: Steven Spielberg)

Please stop ruining movie characters from my childhood. It was bad enough when you turned Darth Vader into a snot-nosed, annoying, midi-chlorian soaked nine-year-old brat who made protocol druids in his spare time and who matures into a wooden actor for the next two films who shouldn’t even be cast in a car commercial. It was difficult to get past the steaming piles of feces masquerading as Star Wars prequels but although I still spontaneously scream out curses when I think of Jar Jar, I also understand that you were pressed for time having barely twenty something years to hammer out a script. But, you still had the Indiana Jones franchise in your graying beard so we forgave you. Sure, Temple of Doom wasn’t all that great but it did have its moments. Luckily, The Last Crusade salvaged the series and we all went home happy and tingly. But you couldn’t leave well enough alone…

I don’t want to imply that the Crystal Skulls is a bad movie because it’s not. It’s much worse than that. It’s difficult for me to convey the level of sucktitude that this movie possessed but I’ll give it a try.

Nobody should go into an Indiana Jones movie looking for realism. But I do ask that the movie be more realistic than Howard the Duck. The plot is a directionless mess that serves only to get to the next chase scene. Indy is chased through a warehouse. Indy is chased through an Atomic testing site. Indy is chased from a 50s diner (in a scene reminiscent of Marty hitting Biff in Back to the Future). Indy is chased through Peru. Indy is chased through a jungle somewhere in South America (It could have been Peru, my eyes kept rolling to the back of my head). Indy is chased while in an amphibious vehicle by an amphibious vehicle. Indy is chased through a temple. There’s more chase scenes but I think you get the idea.

I’m just going to start using bullet points to give you descriptions of the more craptacular plot points since my desire to write in paragraphs about this movie is waning:

  • Gophers are used for comic relief. (Gophers are never funny. See Caddyshack)
  • Monkeys are used for comic relief (Just in case us cynics didn’t enjoy the gophers.)
  • Indiana Jones survives an atomic test blast by hiding in an fridge (This happens in the first 10 minutes and it would have been a better movie if he had just died then and there and the rest of the movie was about Sallah giving an eulogy reflecting on that time they went digging in Egypt for the Well of Souls. Yes, I would have been more satisfied spending my money on a flashback episode about Raiders of the lost Ark. I’m not even kidding about this)
  • Shia LaBeouf’s character (the name hardly matters at this point) uses a snake as a rope to help rescue his mother and Indy from quicksand. But Indy would rather sink to his death because he’s afraid of snakes. Remember how much Indy hates snakes? My eyes rolled so far back in my head that they actually did a first ever 360 degree roll.)
  • Industrial Light and Magic use the same swarm effect that was already used in The Mummy except instead of a swarm of flesh eating scarabs they use a swarm of ants. And because that’s not scary enough they make the ants the size of baseballs. And you thought that quip about Howard the Duck being more realistic was a joke?
  • Spielberg uses stock footage from Close Encounters of the Third Kind at the film’s “climax”(we’re using terms very loosely here).
  • The reveal that Indy is Shia LaBeouf’s character’s (the name hardly matters at this point) father can be seen from so far away that you feel like one of those guards from Monty Python and the Holy Grail who watches as John Cleese runs at them again and again before running one through with his sword.
  • Shia LaBeouf’s character (the name hardly matters at this point) swinging on vines to catch up to speeding vehicles.
  • Kate Blanchett looking like at any moment she should say “I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.”

Did I like anything about the movie? I did. Right at the beginning, before Indy appears, you see a man knocked to the ground. The camera cuts to his shadow as he bends down and picks up a fedora that he places on his head. Chills up and down my spine. After that, it felt like someone kicking me up and down my spine.

Now can someone serve Lucas a restraining order to keep him from making any American Graffiti sequels and/or prequels?

From the comments, Smittypap writes:

Too late.