Lines From Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic,” Modified to Actually Make them Ironic

How McSweenysish:

An old man turned ninety-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day… of chronic emphysema from inhalation of the latex particles scratched off decades’ worth of lottery tickets.

A traffic jam when you’re already late… to receive an award from the Municipal Planning Board for reducing the city’s automobile congestion 80 percent.

Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife… with which to kill your spouse for sleeping with the young soup chef who works at the Au Bon Pain.