Chronicles of Narnia: Huge Pile of Shit

I agree with everything Jay Pinkerton has to say about the Chroni(What)cles of Narnia:

Narnia, on the other hand, is like the K-Mart discount bin of mythology. Every monster or creature you’ve ever heard of is incoherently tossed in with the animal kingdom, and now they all talk. I like fantasy as much as the next sixth level cleric, but the bare minimum for me is knowing the author gave his ridiculous shit more thought than I’ll have to. Narnia comes off like a shitty Trapper-Keeper drawing by a twelve-year-old who plays Dungeons & Dragons and really likes the zoo. In one scene a pair of badgers have a conversation with Santa Claus, and in another a human on a talking horse does battle with the White Witch of the North while griffins divebomb centaurs, and your head’s just spinning from the random senselessness of it.


Let me break this down for Harry Potter fans, since there seem to be a lot of you: it’d be like if someone rewrote the Harry Potter books, and instead of having a clearly defined world populated by a hierarchy of wizards and witches where everything makes consistent sense within the reality of that world, Harry Potter was suddenly teaming up with Merlin, Robin Hood and Zeus to fight the Easter Bunny and a talking elephant that’s also Ganesha. I hope your reaction would be “What the fuck?”


(Also, does everything talk in Narnia? What would you eat, if everything’s sentient? Apparently fish, if the talking gophers in the film are to be believed. So that’s one mystery solved. Everything in Narnia talks, except the fish, which are evidently retarded.)

10 Comments

  1. Well… it’s a story for little kids divided up into seven books: there’s an account on the first one (the magician’s nephew) on how Narnia was first created and how a witch (Jadis, who visits planet earth for a little while and comes form a dead world from which she has to escape) ended up in it. Actually, the magician’s nephew is the old man in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. C. S. Lewis was very religious (unfortunately) so there had to be some sort of representation of god, which is Aslan the lion, of course. At the beginning of the series, he chooses which of the animals he just created gets to speak and stay in Narnia, and sends the rest away.
    In book three “The Horse and his Boy” a Narnian talking horse and a boy escape to Narnia from some weird countries in the south that look as if they were taken out of The Book of One Thousand and One Nights, where there are slaves and only “bad” people. I don’t know why they had to be Arab-like, seems C. S. Lewis was a bit of a racist.
    Still, by reading all of the books it’ll make much more sense, but i still think the Santa Claus thing is absolutely absurd.
    I think the books are a fine piece of children’s literature, but i don’t like that whole thing about Aslan being the equivalent of god, making all other ideologies in the book (or the real world) wrong; and that arab stereotyping thing.
    Despite that, i enjoyed the books, but the Lord of the Rings is much more superior in my opinion… J. R. R. Tolkien was a friend of C. S. Lewis’, that’s why i mentioned that.

  2. Well… it’s a story for little kids divided up into seven books: there’s an account on the first one (the magician’s nephew) on how Narnia was first created and how a witch (Jadis, who visits planet earth for a little while and comes form a dead world from which she has to escape) ended up in it. Actually, the magician’s nephew is the old man in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. C. S. Lewis was very religious (unfortunately) so there had to be some sort of representation of god, which is Aslan the lion, of course. At the beginning of the series, he chooses which of the animals he just created gets to speak and stay in Narnia, and sends the rest away.
    In book three “The Horse and his Boy” a Narnian talking horse and a boy escape to Narnia from some weird countries in the south that look as if they were taken out of The Book of One Thousand and One Nights, where there are slaves and only “bad” people. I don’t know why they had to be Arab-like, seems C. S. Lewis was a bit of a racist.
    Still, by reading all of the books it’ll make much more sense, but i still think the Santa Claus thing is absolutely absurd.
    I think the books are a fine piece of children’s literature, but i don’t like that whole thing about Aslan being the equivalent of god, making all other ideologies in the book (or the real world) wrong; and that arab stereotyping thing.
    Despite that, i enjoyed the books, but the Lord of the Rings is much more superior in my opinion… J. R. R. Tolkien was a friend of C. S. Lewis’, that’s why i mentioned that.

  3. The problem seems to be that too many adults are into childrens movies and have adult expectations of them.
    Do you think children give a crap about the mixing up of myths, and which animals are allowed to talk?
    I blame the whole Star Trek/Wars/Harry Potter phenomenon for making it ok for adults to take fantasy out of their heads and blurring the line between fantasy and reality.
    It’s a kids movie ferchristsake.
    Why does every movie for kids have to follow some sort of geeks reality?
    Can’t there be anything just for kids?

  4. I loved the Narnia books. I thought the books were very subtle and intelligently written, and I found that for #1-#6 I could take or leave the theology. The movie, predictably, hammers much harder on the christian symbology. I recall that the seventh book, The Last Battle, was the first book of any kind I actively disliked, probably because of the heavy-hanged eschatology.

    In Narnia, there are intelligent animals and primitive animals. The intelligent animals have stewardship over (and eat) the dumb animals. This is explained, I believe in The Magician’s Nephew (#6 in the series and the first book chronologically).

  5. I loved the Narnia books. I thought the books were very subtle and intelligently written, and I found that for #1-#6 I could take or leave the theology. The movie, predictably, hammers much harder on the christian symbology. I recall that the seventh book, The Last Battle, was the first book of any kind I actively disliked, probably because of the heavy-hanged eschatology.

    In Narnia, there are intelligent animals and primitive animals. The intelligent animals have stewardship over (and eat) the dumb animals. This is explained, I believe in The Magician’s Nephew (#6 in the series and the first book chronologically).

  6. Sure Kellie,
    kids deserve intelligent entertainment too..but in my opinion too many adults are obsessed with children’s films, and accuracy of facts and myths. Can we have some imagination, and let the kids sort it out themselves?
    Someone above asked that if all the animals talked what would the people of Narnia eat?
    Why would they have to eat meat? Why couldn’t they eat bark, or not eat at all…it’s fantasy. Not real. Anything should be able to go.

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