Chronicles of Narnia: Huge Pile of Shit

I agree with everything Jay Pinkerton has to say about the Chroni(What)cles of Narnia:

Narnia, on the other hand, is like the K-Mart discount bin of mythology. Every monster or creature you’ve ever heard of is incoherently tossed in with the animal kingdom, and now they all talk. I like fantasy as much as the next sixth level cleric, but the bare minimum for me is knowing the author gave his ridiculous shit more thought than I’ll have to. Narnia comes off like a shitty Trapper-Keeper drawing by a twelve-year-old who plays Dungeons & Dragons and really likes the zoo. In one scene a pair of badgers have a conversation with Santa Claus, and in another a human on a talking horse does battle with the White Witch of the North while griffins divebomb centaurs, and your head’s just spinning from the random senselessness of it.


Let me break this down for Harry Potter fans, since there seem to be a lot of you: it’d be like if someone rewrote the Harry Potter books, and instead of having a clearly defined world populated by a hierarchy of wizards and witches where everything makes consistent sense within the reality of that world, Harry Potter was suddenly teaming up with Merlin, Robin Hood and Zeus to fight the Easter Bunny and a talking elephant that’s also Ganesha. I hope your reaction would be “What the fuck?”


(Also, does everything talk in Narnia? What would you eat, if everything’s sentient? Apparently fish, if the talking gophers in the film are to be believed. So that’s one mystery solved. Everything in Narnia talks, except the fish, which are evidently retarded.)