How To Clean a Horse’s Sheath

This is just a little less scary than the how to survive prison manual.

Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse’s Part. Give the horse a clue about what’s on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you’re using.

If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.

5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you’ll have noticed, is strangely absent. That’s because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it.

(via del.icio.us/rudezombie)

Prison Survival Guide

Yikes.

Always be respectful and polite to other prisoners, regardless of how weird they may act or dress. First, because you don’t know who or what they are, and second, because respect and personal dignity are the most valued possessions left to a prisoner.

Never tell another prisoner what to do or give anyone orders. Don’t tell the noisy ones in the law library to be quiet. Prisoners deeply resent being bossed around by another prisoner. Their likely reponse — even to a polite request — is, “What are you, a fuckin’ cop?”

Never stare at another prisoner for more than a second or two. He may be a walking powder keg, set off by an intrusive stare. He may either assault you on the spot or wait until darkness. Even if he doesn’t kill you outright, your face will never look the same again.

Avoid anyone offering to “take you under their wing” or help you out. Generally, they are booty bandits, or Jailhouse pimps running a well thought out and practiced game against you.

The Top 100 April Fools Day Hoaxes of All Time

From The Museum of Hoaxes:

#6: Nixon for President

In 1992 National Public Radio’s Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, “I didn’t do anything wrong, and I won’t do it again.” Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon’s voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.