Category Humor

Atlas Shrugged Updated For The Current Financial Crisis


“Oh, no, I got out of that suckers’ game. I now run my own hedge-fund firm, Rearden Capital Management.”


He stood and adjusted his suit jacket so that his body didn’t betray his shameful weakness. He walked toward her and sat informally on the edge of her desk. “Why make a product when you can make dollars? Right this second, I’m earning millions in interest off money I don’t even have.”

He gestured to his floor-to-ceiling windows, a symbol of his productive ability and goodness.

“There’s a whole world out there of byzantine financial products just waiting to be invented, Dagny. Let the leeches run my factories into the ground! I hope they do! I’ve taken out more insurance on a single Rearden Steel bond than the entire company is even worth! When my old company finally tanks, I’ll make a cool $877 million.”

Their eyes locked with an intensity she was only beginning to understand. Yes, Hank … claim me … If we’re to win the battle against the leeches, we must get it on … right now … Don’t let them torture us for our happiness … or our billions.

Jack Handey’s ‘The Plan’

From The New Yorker:

The plan isn’t foolproof. For it to work, certain things must happen:

—The door to the vault must have accidentally been left open by the cleaning woman.

—The guard must bend over to tie his shoes and somehow he gets all the shoelaces tied together. He can’t get them apart, so he takes out his gun and shoots all his bullets at the knot. But he misses. Then he just lies down on the floor and goes to sleep.

—Most of the customers in the bank must happen to be wearing Nixon masks, so when we come in wearing our Nixon masks it doesn’t alarm anyone.

—There must be an empty parking space right out in front. If it has a meter, there must be time left on it, because our outfits don’t have pockets for change.

—The monkeys must grab the bags of money and not just shriek and go running all over the place, like they did in the practice run.

(via Waxy)

Kids Halloween Candy Code

Cockeyed’s hilarious take on the Hobo Code:

Growing up in the Bowling Green neighborhood of Sacramento, I was taught how to read and mark houses with the Halloween Candy Code. For kids with an early curfew these codes were invaluable. Once we tagged a house, our peers could use our marks to reap the best full-size chocolate bars while avoiding Chex mix and dried apricots.

Most marks were left in bright chalk at the bottom of the driveway.

The Hobo Code.

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

John McCain Accidentally Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

Truthful TV Title Cards

More here.

The Hidden Meaning Behind Gilligan’s Island

Gilligan = Satan.

The Sarah Palin Debate Flowchart

From the Daily Kos.

Listen to Yourself

From xkcd.

Stewart and Colbert’s Entertainment Weekly Cover


(via Why That’s Delightful)

Busy, Busy, Busy

From Indexed.

Creative Commons License