Category Humor

Close Range

The game where the goal is to shoot people in the face.

Here is a news report about it from a legitimate news station.

50 Arguments Against Evolution

HA!

Because I prefer the idea that a (insert god of choice) went ALLA-KADABRA-ZAM MOTHAH-FUCKAHS!!!

Because science has yet to produce any transitional species… except for the magnitudinous numbers of them found in the fossil record which don’t count because… I uh, OOH LOOK! A SHINY OBJECT!!! *runs away*

Because the fact that science is self-correcting annoys me. Most of my other beliefs are rigidly fixed and uncorrectable.

Because Jesus totally rode around on a fucking t-rex. He’s just that badassed. And also, did you know that t-rexes were vegetarians? Ken Ham says so and I believe it.

Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday

From the NY Times:

SPRINGFIELD, IL—As his impeachment trial began Monday, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich kicked off a national media tour to explain that his alleged senatorial pay-to-play scheme was merely an elaborate plot to surprise U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald with a Senate seat on his birthday. “You try to do something nice for someone, and look what happens,” the embattled governor told reporters at a press conference during which he unveiled a birthday cake for Fitzgerald.

(Ok, I lied. It’s from The Onion. But admit it, the amount of chutzpah that this guy has displayed you thought it was a legit story. I know you so well.)

Terror Experts Warn Next 9/11 Could Fall On Different Date

Always two steps ahead:

WASHINGTON—In an alarming development with wide-reaching implications for America’s safety, Department of Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff and CIA Director Michael Hayden issued a joint report Monday warning that the next 9/11 could in fact occur on a different date.

The report, based on intelligence gathered by field-agents, found that a future 9/11 might take place on an entirely new month and day, including 4/24, 6/13, or even 10/12. According to the report, the nation could realistically find itself in the midst of a 5/25 scenario, as well as a potential 3/14 situation in the months to come.

8/28, 6/19, and 11/7 were also cited as possible 9/11s.

Bush’s Lame Duck Christmas Dinners: The White House Menus

I’ll have a double helping of New Orleans flounder with a nice big slice of Yellowcake surprise please.

(via Kottke)

Guide to Understanding Flowcharts

From xkcd of course.

The Economic Crisis Hits the Markson Family Monopoly Board

From McSweeney’s:

Dear Pamela—

I realize you’re angry at how Friday night’s Monopoly game ended. I’m writing this note to explain why certain things occurred the way they did, and, hopefully, to chip away at the chilly silence that has characterized our relationship the past few days.

Since we haven’t spoken, I’m not aware of your stance on the causes of our dispute. I believe our major issue was the housing crisis, which began with your properties on Ventnor Avenue and Marvin Gardens. But in order to put that in context it’s important that we first discuss the children’s inflationary habits. I realize Bethany is only 6, and you find it cute that she writes “$5,000″ in crayon on the backs of the Chance and Community Chest cards when she runs out of funds and uses them to purchase houses, but, if you recall, that is exactly what led to the inflation that crippled our Friday fun.

By allowing our 6-year-old to print her own currency, we’re slashing the value of our real Monopoly dollars. Maybe you don’t think it’s a “big deal” and that I should “relax” because it’s “only a game.” But tell that to people like me and my former co-workers, who are out of jobs now that the U.S. dollar is worth squat.

Atlas Shrugged Updated For The Current Financial Crisis

Brilliant!

“Oh, no, I got out of that suckers’ game. I now run my own hedge-fund firm, Rearden Capital Management.”

“What?”

He stood and adjusted his suit jacket so that his body didn’t betray his shameful weakness. He walked toward her and sat informally on the edge of her desk. “Why make a product when you can make dollars? Right this second, I’m earning millions in interest off money I don’t even have.”

He gestured to his floor-to-ceiling windows, a symbol of his productive ability and goodness.

“There’s a whole world out there of byzantine financial products just waiting to be invented, Dagny. Let the leeches run my factories into the ground! I hope they do! I’ve taken out more insurance on a single Rearden Steel bond than the entire company is even worth! When my old company finally tanks, I’ll make a cool $877 million.”

Their eyes locked with an intensity she was only beginning to understand. Yes, Hank … claim me … If we’re to win the battle against the leeches, we must get it on … right now … Don’t let them torture us for our happiness … or our billions.

Jack Handey’s ‘The Plan’

From The New Yorker:

The plan isn’t foolproof. For it to work, certain things must happen:

—The door to the vault must have accidentally been left open by the cleaning woman.

—The guard must bend over to tie his shoes and somehow he gets all the shoelaces tied together. He can’t get them apart, so he takes out his gun and shoots all his bullets at the knot. But he misses. Then he just lies down on the floor and goes to sleep.

—Most of the customers in the bank must happen to be wearing Nixon masks, so when we come in wearing our Nixon masks it doesn’t alarm anyone.

—There must be an empty parking space right out in front. If it has a meter, there must be time left on it, because our outfits don’t have pockets for change.

—The monkeys must grab the bags of money and not just shriek and go running all over the place, like they did in the practice run.

(via Waxy)

Kids Halloween Candy Code

Cockeyed’s hilarious take on the Hobo Code:

Growing up in the Bowling Green neighborhood of Sacramento, I was taught how to read and mark houses with the Halloween Candy Code. For kids with an early curfew these codes were invaluable. Once we tagged a house, our peers could use our marks to reap the best full-size chocolate bars while avoiding Chex mix and dried apricots.

Most marks were left in bright chalk at the bottom of the driveway.

Related:
The Hobo Code.


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