How To Launder Money

From The Straight Dope:

Another common approach is to mix up nonkosher funds with the assets of a front company: any above-ground business that handles a lot of cash, such as a check-cashing service, travel agency, grocery store, car wash, or coin laundry. Alternatively, you might use a business with a hard-to-value inventory — precious metals, jewelry, antiques, art, etc. Since law enforcement can’t be sure how much money the business is supposed to have, the fake invoices or receipts you use to conceal your swag aren’t conspicuous.

As a variation on the phony-invoicing trick, you can arrange to purchase property well below market value and slip the cash difference to the seller. You then resell a few months later at the true value, getting that cash back as a perfectly legal profit — any capital gains tax is just the cost of doing business. The cash you gave the original seller is his problem.

The stock market is another good place to wash money. You invest small amounts of cash in the market, several times a day, through different brokerage firms. Brokers don’t routinely talk to each other, so multiple accounts with different firms won’t attract suspicion. If you use your front company to buy the stock, there’s yet another level of complexity for the investigators to try to unwind.

Charles Mingus’ Cat Toilet Training Program



A master at standup bass and an expert on feline bathroom etiquette:

Now, as you move the box, also start cutting the brim of the box down, so the sides get lower. Do this gradually.

Finally, you reach the bathroom and, eventually, the toilet itself. Then, one day, prepare to put the box on top of the toilet. At each corner of the box, cut a little slash. You can run string around the box, through these slashes, and tie the box down to the toilet so it will not fall off. Your cat will see it there and jump up to the box, which is now sitting on top of the toilet (with the sides cut down to only an inch or so.)

Don’t bug the cat now, don’t rush him, because you might throw him off. Just let him relax and go there for awhile-maybe a week or two. Meanwhile, put less and less newspaper inside the box.

(Thanks Deepsea33)