Cynical-C Blog

One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at 2001 A Space Odyssey:

Rented this one just to laugh at how movie-makers in the 50’s and 60’s thought the world was going to look in the year 2001. I figured we would see ridiculous flying-cars, jet-packs, meal-in-a-pill, talking-robots, etc. Then I figured I was gonna write a review here talking about how wrong they were (since the year 2001 has already happened and it was nothing like that)and reccomend it just for a laugh. Here’s how it really went. I popped it in the player and to my surprise it just looked like a fake documentary about monkeys with a couple of guys in really fake looking monkey costumes. Kind of like Planet of the Apes. 5 minutes in: Still monkeys (no narraration or anything either). 10 minutes in I asked myself “How are they going to stretch this out for a whole stupid-movie?!” I will never know. Because when a monkey threw a bone up in the air so high that it went into space and morphed into a rocket-ship I was done with this garbage. Who on earth would predict the year 2001 would be like that!? I returned it shortly after that and rented Mortal-Kombat 2 which was way more realistic with better fighting. In conclusion, you would be much better-off renting a documentary about apes, or even Gorillas in the mist, or maybe Planet of the Apes which this movie is trying to be. AVOID!! Later.

Very boring and slow. The special effects may have wowed the 60’s generation but are simply no longer special. Here’s the story: apes discover a monolith, humans discover one on the moon, a computer which controls a mission to Jupitor goes haywire and kills, the lone survivor passes through a psychadelic nebulae to emerge in a white room, shot of a rotating fetus, the end. One for tripping hippies and Kubrick groupies.

This is easily the worst movie of all time. It’s a bunch of spaceships and special effects, but there’s NO coherent plot. The opening with those animals made NO sense! Folks who want to appear intelligent (even though they’re not) will swear this is a good movie, when they really don’t understand it. It’s time for a little honesty, people. “2001″ is a turkey.

I don’t understand why people like this movie at all! I saw the movie because of the recent death of Kubrick. I was with great expectation. However, I was totally disappointed. I only saw it for the first 30 minutes because it is so boring and slow. If it is not Kubrick, I would stop at the first 15 minutes. For the first 30 minutes, there were hardly any dialogue at all, just music. I have difficulties to keep my attention focusing.

Alright this is a good plot, with the evolution and the mans destruction by technology. But the director absolutley screwed up. Can somebody say cut. I looked at this guy in a cheap monkey suit for 20 minutes. Nobody should have to do that. the nazis went easier on the jews.

Apparently, the creators of this film figured that everybodywho watched this movie had read the novel. I’ve been told that themovie makes sense after reading the novel. Well I never read a novel, and I didn’t understand it. What was with the ending? The ending doesn’t make sense. It seems like they cut out different parts of the film and put them back together randomly.

The cinematography is the best there is, but why does it have to be so boring, don’t get me wrong I really like science fiction movies and especially love Stanely Kubrick films ( A Clockwork Orange, The Shining and Full Metal Jacket) there seem to be no story here. A classic film?? I think not!!!

I know that as a film student, it’s my duty to like this movie, but I’m sorry. I just can’t. I saw it in a theatrical setting (ie. hard chairs, full-blast surround sound, large screen, but only one bathroom break) and it was easily the most miserable 3+ hours of my life to date. Sorry, but I resent any movie that leaves me with a headache and sick stomach.

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at Dark Side of the Moon:

This cacophony of commie buzz words and simplistic, condescending communist ideals both offends me as an American, and as a music listener. Should’ve been called Red Side Of the Moon.

SNORE. I can’t believe some of you dorky stoners trapped in the ’70s have the nerve to call this album a “masterpiece” or “one of the best albums of all-time”! LOL, MUSIC NERDS! You people can’t be serious. They didn’t even get any MTV or BET airplay. Therefore, they automatically are horrible. I suggest you listen to a great album like “St.Anger” by Metallica or “Lost Highway” by Bon Jovi if you want a taste of what real music should sound like.

IF you were born after 1965, don’t even think of wasting money on this. It’s music for old people (i.e. baby boomers) and pimply-faced seventies teens with their awful black t-shirts. Spend your money on a haircut and “Never Mind The Bullocks” (and, if you don’t get the last reference, you might as well end it all now). This album is slow, boring and took too long to make. If you’re saying to yourself “But it was so popular and it was in the charts for years”, remember that millions wasted money on bell-bottoms and mood rings.

Pink Floyd! Holy Christ, they’re the worst band EVER! I mean EVER! OH MY GOD! GROTESQUE! THEY’RE HORRID! WOW! MAKE THEM DIE ALREADY! GO CREED! GO CREED! GO CREED!

This album is musically inane, boring and void of all interest for any but the most drugged out and vacuous of listeners. Please don’t just kow tow to the ignorant masses who have been inculcated with the opinions of those evil beings who think this poor display of non-music passes for anything remotely near a classic. shameful. avoid this one.

Why this album is so popular will always be a mystery to me. I guess if you take a lot of drugs anything will sound good. The lyrics are meaningless, the songs drone like, the production very dated. Don’t waste your money.

See? I only gave it one star – now I can hang with the cool kids! I admit, I’ve only heard “Money” on my dad’s car radio – but that’s enough to know dis hole Floyd-think is mid-20th century. You dino’s need to listen to some Future Bible Heroes – they will be remembered many months from now. This Dark Side is just a retro-fad. Ever see that flik with the rich guy who’s in love with his little sled? Like, the same number of people who remember that will remember DS 6 months from now! Ps: Schaumburg is sooo boring – get me out of here!

Hello I was told this CD would rock by a friend but instead I find it overwhelmingly sleep-inducing. yeah that’s right that’s my entitled opinion,
I must give a one-hands-down to the previous reviewer that this platter is also ‘quite something else’ as he puts it:

1/ the feeling of a circus or theater performance is obvious
2/ also it has the atmosphere of social awareness
3/ Know Deepak Chopra? This CD has the touch of self-help-programme audiocassettes.

Mix these and this is what you get.
Therefore I would call this Cd a triple conjunction.

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The Great Gatsby:

this booke is very stupid, just like all the other secular writers out in the world. quite frankly, they should not be writing about “worldly” things that do not affect people in any way whatsoever! after reading this book, your life will be the same as before you read it…why not read a book that will change your life and the way you think of things? what book is this? it is “THE BOOK”… the BIBLE! God loves you no matter what, but why not give your life to him as he gave his son for you? God Bless You and May Your Days Be Bright!!!

The way that FSF wrote made it very difficult for me to follow and understand what he was saying. Everything was almost written philosphoically. I had a hard time concentrating on the words written because I simply lost interest in what was being said. It wasn’t exciting enough to keep my attention.

In my time I have read many novels, most of which were at least pleasing and gave me a sense of having learned something. In this soap-opera-like “classic” nothing is accomplished except reviewers making themselves look good by calling the book good. The book had no point beyond the obvious, and if you found something deep within it, you are obviously a very stupid person who had little understanding of life before reading this novel. You all should be ashamed of yourselves

terrible, terrible, terrible! This incredibly boring book, although considered an american classic, is dismal. Don’t bother with it, and read Douglas Adams instead.

This book was God awful. I felt so disappointed when i read that gatsby was murdered. I felt as if the world collapsed on me as i read this catastrophic event. Gatsby is the miz an and daisy is a sliz to the iz ut. Scott Fitzgerald i wish u were alive so i could kill u. Love DGS!!!

Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring!

They say a book can never get old, and with age they become classics. The Great Gatsby is a prime counterexample of this.

In my opinion, a book that is entertaining and exciting needs to stretch the mind. It needs to use great imagination. Imagination makes mystery and murder novels scary and thrilling. Imagination makes a sci-fi interesting. What is there to imagine about The Great Gatsby? There are murders, but not very unique ones. If I wanted to read a good murder mystery, I would go to Thomas Harris. As for the love story The Great Gastby is placed around, I see this as the only conflict in the book. Every event in the entire book was based on this unrealistic relationship between Daisy, Tom, and Jay.

To conclude, I would expect this story in a 1920’s newspaper rather than being a mass produced as a “classic” novel. The only use I have for this book is a sleeping-pill substitute.

That way he cannot write something this trite and boring again. “Slow to start” and “ambling” are such understatements when describing this thing I can barely call a book, yet alone a novel. The overflow of useless and uneeded information in this thing makes it several chapters longer than need be. In fact, if Fitzgerald had written this book properly (no extra junk I could care less about) it would have been EXACTLY two sentences long- “I’m rich.” and “Oh, boo hoo.” The plot line resembles an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (namely “Let’s sit around and whine about being rich. Next we’ll get drunk and call each other names, fight, and run each other over!” SHUT UP ALREADY!) I can rarely can say this, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE this book! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOOK IF YOU CAN HELP IT!

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at Blazing Saddles:

This is the most tedious, unfunny, overrated movie of all time. It’s interesting that this is from the same man who produced Spaceballs, which was actually rather humorous (though also quite tedious at times). I’ll always be at a loss to understand why people think it’s so funny. His utter lack of subtlety is terrible to behold.

Unfunny. Badly timed. Tedious gags. Silly. Uninteresting. Dull. Simple-minded. Fast-forward. Regret buying. Give it away.

…I thought this was funny but now looking at it as an adult, there’s really not much funny about the bathroom humor and racial jokes. In fact, it’s downright insulting and degrading. And it’s not insulting and degrading in a funny way. There’s no way I can recommend this unfunny nonsense.

One word describes this movie perfectly PATHETIC.

THIS is Mel Brook’s WORST movie ever. I think it’s sad how so many great actors would’ve been in it, but THAT was then.
Usually EVERYTIME I read a review on Amazon, at least ONE [or two] people give any item “1 star”, but I’m disgusted to find so many [rednecks?] giving this piece of trash “5 stars”.

So….I’LL be ‘that one person’!!

The OVER-hype-n-tripe reissuing of THIS film on VHS or DVD is also pretty weird considering IT probably used the “N word” more than ANY other film in the past 30+ years! I can’t believe any TV channel [cable or broadcast] would still even show it!

With it’s ’synthesized animal abuse’ & ‘over-use of the N word’ it should’ve been burned & tossed years ago…

Mel thought it would be funny to invite “horses to bring their owners to the drive-ins” on it’s first release, but I think Mel did MANY GREAT other films like “The Producers” [his BEST!] “High Anxiety” & “Silent Movie”……….so STOP re-issuing this piece of garbage over & over…OK??

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at Lolita:

It is a fitting testament to our times that this novel, which should never have been published in the first place, has come to be regarded not only as a modern classic, but as the finest novel of the last century. Only a thoroughly immoral man could have written it and only a thoroughly immoral age would celebrate it. The review cited on the cover – describing it as the “only convincing love story” of the century – is the perfect punch line to this absurd joke: what better way to demonstrate your unimpeachable sophistication than by characterizing an explicit account of pedophelia as a love story? If you want to read erotic descriptions of children and sickeningly-detailed depictions of child molesting, the law is apparently powerless (or at least unwilling) to stop you, but please, please, don’t hide behind “art.” Admit, at least to yourself, what you’re really doing; admit what you are.

1.) I’m bored 2.) He uses too many allusions to other novels, so that if you’re not well read, this book makes no sense. 3.) Most American readers are not fluent in French, so to have conversations or interjections in French with no translation, is plain dumb. 4.) Did I mention I was bored? 5.) As with another reviewer, I agree, he uses a lot of huge words that just slow a person down. And it’s not for theatrics either, it’s just huge words mid-sentence when describing something simple. Nothing in the sense of imagery is gained. 6.) Also, to sum it up, it’s a story about a pedophile, whether you interpret it as something else or not, is up to you, but there’s the main plot for you. I would not reccomend this book to any of my friends.

I agree with trauma expert Judith Herman’s analysis of this book, that it is the most beautifully written apologia for child rape ever put to paper. That this book is highly regarded speaks volumes to the hatred of women and of children that pervades our culture. I guess it should come as no surprise that in a culture where 25 percent of all women are raped in their lifetimes, and another 19 percent have to fend off rape attempts, that a book celebrating the sexual abuse of a child would be considered one of the best books ever written.

All this hoopla about Lolita made me curious enough to read it. Don’t tell me this is about love. This pedophile clearly stalks young girls. Maybe his first true love could never blossom, but to carry that feeling throughout his life screams psychological problems, not love.

I thought I would like this book after reading the reviews, but I tried to start it and it went NOWHERE! Plus, it was really hard to read. And boring. Ugh. I don’t recommend this book.

I bought this book with a great excitement for reading it. Once I got passed the first chapter, which took a fairly long time, I guessed that the rest of the book would be better considering it gets such great reviews. I was desperately wrong. The book is disgusting and never kept me interested. I watched the old movie as well to try to get into the book and that was very uninteresting as well. Overall, I don’t recommend this one.

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The Wizard of Oz:

I do not like the Wizard of Oz. For one thing, I don’t like to watch things with witches in them, especially if one of them is portrayed as a “good witch” – that’s an oxymoron I can’t reconcile with. For another thing I don’t like Judy Garland’s breathless diction or Frank Morgan – The star I give this goes exclusively to the Tin Man, who was always my favourite and still is. But I can’t stand sitting through this movie just to watch him, though I might if I could fast forward the other parts. It’s all just such fantasy fluff, and I like something that has a bit more reality to it. This falls perilously short of the mark. Don’t bother with it.

If you’re a fan of hammy acting and schmaltzy stories, this movie is for you. I myself hated the movie upon my first viewing of this piece of garbage when I was five. Since then I’ve went into convulsions everytime I hear the crappy “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Please don’t buy this movie.

Simply emesis inducing.

the wort movie ive ever seen .I mean they clorized once color tv came out and there special effects are lame ,the costumes are ugly the props are ugly so never buy this film!!!!

So you think this is good eh? Well,it stinks! There is’nt much point in watching it. This movie should be a movie only babies watch. For some reason,my sister likes this movie!?! Now tell me,what could be more pointless then watching a little girl and other stupiod characters (tin man,scarecrow,etc) going to a castle where the Wizard turns them back to where they belong. Boring!

Graphics 0/5
The worst graphics in history. Even movies like Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer had cooler graphics. When I’m watching it,I force myself to see once I get to the castle part….. woooosssshhhh I run out of the room so I don’t see this totrure.

Sound 1/5
The sound is okay. But difinitly not the best

Overall 0/5
Whatever you do,don’t buy this If you do,you are giving me your money and I’m going to buy you the Increbles. You will and I mean WILL be sorry if you by this

What? Classic? Classic,(…). THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER MADE. I don’t ever want to watch it again. The last time I watched part of it was in 3rd grade. Yuck! It’s disgusting. It’s right down there with “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”, “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones”, “Licence to Kill” and the Special Editions of the original “Star Wars” trilogy. Yuck, yuck, yuck. If anyone says, “Hey watch this film,” schedule an immediate root canal. If anyone pays you to see it, jump into a live shark’s mouth. If anyone holds a gun to your head and forces you to see it, pull the trigger.

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The Hobbit:

Don’t read this book, it is impossible to follow, has way too many details, and was down right boring. Horrible book.

Maybe 1 star is a little low for this book…should have given it like…2, but there are just better books. how can this be the best if there is better? i reccomend a better book like Harry Potter(1-4).

This is just a horrible book. My school is forcing me to read it. It is just so boreing. I don’t even think my teacher can take it anymore beacause we have been reading it for 3 monthes and we only got up to chapter 10. You see, we have to read it outloud in class. I dought we will ever finish this horrible book. Spend your money on Harry Potter instead.

Do not read this book. There was absolutely nothing about answering how long it would take to go by boat or by tomorrow. Doesn’t make sense? It doesn’t have to make sense it is all fantasy. And what’s this thing about hairy feet? Oh yes, the Joy of Cooking was never mentioned as being on Bilbo’s cook book shelf in his little Hobbit house. Very disappointing. I would have given the book 0 stars but this isn’t an option. And why didn’t the author stay alive long enough to defend his work from this vicious critique?

Why people claim to enjoy this book I’ll never know. The writing style doesn’t flow, the characters aren’t particularly all that well developed, and the storyline isn’t all that interesting. This is a prime example of what happens when Star Trek and Star Wars dorks pick up a book. They see the word “wizard” or “dragon” and get all gooey with excitement and think it’s great literature.

This “book” is a travesty to everything ever written. Swoar, lil’ fools wack for REALL. J.R.R. Tolkien is clearly a man of minimal intellect and an insufficient grasp on what a a real novel is composed of. Boy, ain’t nuffin’ but a playa-hatin scrub!.

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The White Album:

These old talentless hags will never be as great as their idols Oasis! Oasis are one of the best “classic rock” bands ever, aside from Metallica, but St. Anger is pretty hard to beat. Anyway, this whole album is boring and uninspired with weak songwriting. All of the songs sound the same! Why is this two discs?? It’s two discs full of DUNG!

I have never understood all the fuss over the Beatles. They couldn’t sing, weren’t good looking and played the same guitar music over and over that you can’t even dance to. Britney Spears has much more talent and is alot cuter than they ever were. One more TIME, is the greatest pop album of ALLTIME…not any overatted Beatles album.

THIS MUSIC IS BAD, REALLY REALLY BAD. THE LYRICS ARE VERY BAD AND SO IS THE MUSIC. THE RHYTHM IS BAD AND ALSO THE SLEEVE IS TOTALLY DUMB, YES ABSOLUTELY BAD.
I DONOT GET IT HOW CAN PEOPLE SAY IT IS GOOD WHILE IT IS BAD BEYOND A DOUBT, NO REALLY BE REASONABLE THIS IS AS BAD AS IT GETS, I HAVE NEVER BEFORE HEARD SOME MUSIC THAT IS SOOOOOOO BAD.

YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR MIND TO THINK IT IS GOOD OR WORSE TO BUY IT YOU WILL NEVER LIKE THIS RUBBISH – IT IS REALLY BAD!!!!!!!!!!

the beatles suck. 2 disc’s of hippy crap. i know they have talent but cant stand them

The White Album at one time was great.

But grow up people, it is 2005, this album is a relic, not a classic.

When they did Cry for a shadow or In spite of all the danger there was patential, but this crazed out blubber is just a cheesy con job with horrible lyrics and maladies.

Why do people fuss over this dated pop group. Michael Jackson’s THRILLER blows every Beatles album away as true pop music genius. Only music arty farty music critics continue to ramble on about their music. For the need of something to say.

I don’t understand all the fuss about this album. While my Guitar Gently Weeps is the worst song on the album. It shows what little talent they actually had. Mcarthur and Lenin just didn’t write any imaginative songs. I think Matchbox 20 is a lot better than the beetels.

I listened to this whole album the other day because I read the reviews on Amazon. This album is worthless. The only song I appreciated was While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Later, I realized why. Eric Clapton helped out with the guitar. That man has more talent in his pinky than all four Beatles combined. The Beatles are the N’Sync of the 60’s. I wish people would realize this. N’Sync, Backstreet Boys, Beatles? What’s the difference?

My friend’s mother’s brother gave it for my birthday I told him I like music from old history which is all gone now anyways he boaght me this well I hate it SERIOUSLY it is unbearable to listen to it gives me the shrivels! and where is paint it back?

I don’t want to like say anything mean, but I didn’t like this album. It doesn’t make my top ten. The number one album of all time is Third Eye Blind, “Third Eye Blind.”

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at Moby-Dick:

His writing style and sentence structure are poor. It is hard to read. like work. Doubt he could get published today.

Reading Moby Dick was like torture- I would have rather been writing a 500 page report. At least I could have written it on something interesting. Moby Dick is a 500 page account of the same whale, the same people, the same trip, and the EXACT SAME THING over and over again. I recommend this book if you have an incrediably boring life to begin with that couldn’t get much worse and a lot of time on your hands.

tHIS BOOK IS BORING. iT TAKES A LONG TIME BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS……

This book is a must if you wanna lull yourself to sleep. The opening was great, but then all these horrendous allusions kept popping up. I mean: pages devoted to the act of just plain sleeping, and then more pages devoted to eating? I guess Melville should have decided if he wanted to write a book about hunting for whales or scientific stuff about them. Then the book would have been better.

Because it will put you to sleep. This has to be one of the most
BORING books I’ve ever attempted to read. I say “attempted”
because I couldn’t get past the first few chapters. Don’t listen to
the powers of established academia: this book really is dull. I think
that people say this book is so great because they’re afraid of having
an original thought. A thought like “this book is reallybad.” Yeah, the “symbolism” is so deep. As deep as
the sea. So deep that it makes me ask all the Big Questions of human
existence. And if you believe claptrap like that then there is
nothing I can do to dissuade you from reading this.

For readers of good fiction (Rushdie, Conrad, Steinbeck etc.) this outdated and outmoded novel is an arduous and pointless effort. There are many better books on sea adventure

This book is HORRIBLE! Classic, my eye! I would love to know what’s so great about this book. I have seen better writing in a Hallmark card! Boring! Give me a good ole copy of Elvis and Me! A true story that really tugs at your heart strings! I sleep with that one under my pillow! Keep Moby Dick away from my bed!

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One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:

Who the hell is this Mark Twain character?! Simply put: What a lousy novel! Maybe this was his first novel…I don’t know. Anyways, I sure hope he doesn’t plan on writing anything else. I read this book, initially, in the author’s native bulgarian language…and it was even worse! The translator was probably trying to do us a favor by touching up this P.O.S. novel, but I think it would take an act of God to save this text…

The improper English in this book detracted immensely from the story, making every sentence a chore to read. This book was required reading for my tenth grade English class, and I had to buy the Cliff Notes because I couldn’t stand reading one more “aint”.

Twain has over used words once again. I wish someone would have told him that it’s quality, not quantity. Overall, I found that characters I wanted to stay died and characters that I wanted dead stayed, making for a tedious and dull read.

I like many others was told to read this book. I can say that this book bored be to death. This book can be writen in 50 pages NOT 200. Thats a waste of 150. At one point maybe it was a great book. But hell, now its a waste of time. And why read the book when the movie is out?

this book made no sense at all.i enjoy reading but i did not like this book.it had no point at all and the dialect was terrible.

This book seemed to continually go on. It never really came to any important lesson or moral in the entire book. The book was extremely vague, nothing really had a reason for happening it just did it was very dissappointing after hearing all the praise that had gone into it.

I can’t see how young kids have the patience to sit down and read this book. This book is to boring for me and to others. This book really sucks.

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