1. I would teach a pet to go to the office for eight hours every day, answer the phones, and fix easy-to-moderate technical issues for my customers. When it has that figured out, I’d teach him to submit timecards every other week. I would then go on vacation.

  2. I’d just like to train my current cat to sit on my lap occasionally! He’ll sit beside me…he’ll sleep on me at night…he’ll walk on my keyboard. But he won’t lap-sit. And sometimes you just want a cat to curl up on your lap.

  3. I would train my 3 cats to get up and go eat their food on their own, and go to the litter box on their own. I get really tired of bringing these items to them at their demand all day and night!

  4. I would train my neighbor’s dog to shut the fuck up and maybe come do my dishes on the days he/she is particularly bored/barky. Actually I would prefer if the owners did this. As pets are not allowed in my building, I think this is fair.

  5. I would train my 2 cats and 1 dog to vacuum up their own hair. Off the floor and furniture! My map turtle I would train to mow the lawn.

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