Homeless Hitchhiker Uses Hatchet to Subdue Deranged Racist Jesus Christ

Waiting for the auto-tuned version:

Investigators say around 2 p.m. Friday, a 55-year old man crashed into three PG&E employees who were working at the corner of McKinley and Marks in Fresno.

“It was an intentional act. It appears to be at this point,” said Sgt. Mike Severson of the Fresno Co. Sheriff’s Dept.

People nearby ran over to help the man who was pinned between the car and truck. According to witnesses, the driver then flipped out.

“He was yelling he was Jesus Christ and he tried to pull the PG&E guy who was stuck in between the cars, but he was still stuck,” said Gloria Rios, a witness.

Tonya Baker tried to get the suspect to calm down. Then suddenly, she was being attacked.

“The guy came after me and put me in a bear hug and started hitting on me. For what reason, I don’t know,” said Tonya Baker, a witness.

The situation grew even stranger when a homeless man, who was reportedly in the passenger seat of the suspect’s car, tried to pry the man off of Baker. The task was too tough, so he resorted to using a hatchet to knock out the suspect.


  1. I’m confused. Does a crazy person using a car as a weapon validate or invalidate the NRA’s position on guns?

    But I bet the driver will still be able to buy a gun if they let him out on bail. He can certainly buy another car.

  2. Actually “LL” I’m pretty sure intentionally running into someone with your car is considered assault with a deadly weapon, which is a felony, which means he will not be able to buy a gun. But yes he will certainly be allowed to buy another car.

    1. Not trying to be a jerk, but he is not necessarily a “slacker”. It bothers me that anyone who lives their lives differently than you or I would is automatically labeled as “slacker” or “loser”. You have no idea how hard he has to work to survive.

      1. Point taken, Rounhouse. However, I don’t consider “slacker” a pejorative akin to “loser,” and I don’t think a man’s worth necessarily correlates with how hard he works.

        Now, “potty-mouthed, hatchet-swinging, hippie, sponging bum” — that’s a pejorative.

  3. Without a doubt, that hitchhiker will be the next Antoine Dodson. I could easily see Mtv giving him a job as an on-sight commentator.

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