Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal

From the only news source that matters (besides The Daily Show):

WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.


  1. As always, great satire from The Onion, but of course, it’s sad because it works due to the underlying truth behind it.

    I have found this whole Fox News Right Wing BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BUT WHAT ABOUT BENGHAZI shouting to be quite funny. If I understand it, 3 Americans died and the administration, in the early hours, gave some incorrect information.

    But hey, let’s just forget about the Iraq war, the blatant lies told by the Bush Administration, the subsequent loss of thousands of American lives, the loss of tens or hundreds of thousands of Iraqi lives, and the billions of dollars sunk into that.

    Selective history at its worst.

  2. America, Grow up! Where there’s a Vagina & a Penis… eventually the two will meet! It’s been going on for several million years………

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