God Doesn’t Close a Door Without Opening a Window

Here’s one way to respond to that nonsensical saying:

On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.

Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.

Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.

Stranger: That’s…not what that phrase means.

me: I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time. God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.

Victor: Right? And then Jesus would be like “Dad. STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”

Religious stranger: *stunned silence*

11 comments

  1. God also never flushes the toilet or cleans the sink when he’s done. It’s some kind of allegory for opportunity… or capitalism. I forget.

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  2. I like how you call your hospital stay a vacation. For that money you could probably get a suite at the Four Seasons but with less invasive instruments.

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  3. Eddie Pepitone had a good line in a recent episode of “Puddin'”
    “We’re all just a piece of corn in God’s shit pipe”

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  4. By “window” do you mean “bottle”? That’s how my family interpreted it, anyhow.

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  5. And its a good thing he opens a window so you can jump out and kill yourself rather than being trapped in the damn room by the inconsiderate asshole.

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  6. When people tell me that god never gives people anything they can’t handle, I always add, “Until he kills you.”

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