God Doesn’t Close a Door Without Opening a Window

Here’s one way to respond to that nonsensical saying:

On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.

Stranger: Well, God doesn’t close a door without opening a window.

Victor: Well that explains why our electric bill was so high. Because God doesn’t understand how expensive air-conditioning is.

Stranger: That’s…not what that phrase means.

me: I bet Jesus has to deal with this shit all the time. God’s always leaving the windows open at home…accidentally letting Jesus’ cat out. That sort of thing.

Victor: Right? And then Jesus would be like “Dad. STOP LEAVING ALL THE WINDOWS OPEN. WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?”

Religious stranger: *stunned silence*


  1. God also never flushes the toilet or cleans the sink when he’s done. It’s some kind of allegory for opportunity… or capitalism. I forget.

  2. I like how you call your hospital stay a vacation. For that money you could probably get a suite at the Four Seasons but with less invasive instruments.

  3. Eddie Pepitone had a good line in a recent episode of “Puddin'”
    “We’re all just a piece of corn in God’s shit pipe”

  4. And its a good thing he opens a window so you can jump out and kill yourself rather than being trapped in the damn room by the inconsiderate asshole.

  5. When people tell me that god never gives people anything they can’t handle, I always add, “Until he kills you.”

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