• Dale

    Unable to find better work in the down economy, Jesus takes a job as Dr. Jacobson’s secretary.

  • Dale

    “When I snap my fingers you will cluck like a chicken.”

  • Dale

    “Does it say anything in your medical book about fixing holes in hands and feet? C’mon, man. I’m bleeding out here.”

  • Gruggach

    Doctor, doctor, gimme the news. I got a bad case of loving Jews.

    • Marlea

      Haaa!!! Awesome. Not so awesome that will be stuck in my head all day though 🙂

  • Dr. Jones showed tremendous restraint when the carpenter overstepped his bounds again.

  • PeterW

    “See? It says dilation and then curettage.”

  • MacCrocodile

    “Turn the page already! I swear, you must be the world’s slowest reader!”

  • MacCrocodile

    “See, this is the one I wanted you to see. You can see Garfield has a serious problem with Mondays. Of course, an actual talking cat would be an abomination deserving of death, but I think in this context, it’s rather humorous.”

  • Dale

    ‘Jesus’ once again slips out of his room on the Mental Disabilities wing of the hospital to pay Doctor Griffen a visit.

  • Dale

    “Ok, now let’s look up ‘vagina.'”

  • marvinj

    “So take out this part about the dinosaurs and add something about God putting the oil there himself.”

  • Dale

    “Well here’s your problem. This is the Old Testament!”

  • MacCrocodile

    “Excuse me, doctor, I think I know a thing or two about treating leprosy. What’s all this about ‘antibiotics’? Where’s the covering of the upper lip? the bald head? the shouting ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ This book is useless.”

  • Dale

    “Cialis or Viagra, I don’t care which. I just need a refill.”

  • Dale

    “Whoa. Who still uses the phone book, doc. Get out of the Bronze Age and Google it.”

  • Ryno68

    Maybe if I ignore him he’ll go away.

  • MacCrocodile

    “If it’s all the same, I’d rather not get a tetanus shot. I’ve had enough things poked through my skin, thanks. Are you sure there’s no other treatment for lockjaw?”

  • MacCrocodile

    “Bam! What did I tell you. 1963, The Birds starring Tippi Hedren, not Kim Novak! You owe me a hundred bucks, doctor. Too bad; you could have spent that money on an internet connection, and we could settle these things faster next time.”

  • jen

    Look, if you’d stop pouting and actually read the books on how the procedures are done, you’d have a helluva lot less malpractice suits against you!

  • gruggach

    I’m not a real messiah, but I play one on TV.

  • gruggach

    I don’t know about you, doc, but I swore to uphold the Hypocritical Oath.

    • Mike K

      Clever!

  • gruggach

    See? I told you! It’s right here in the big book of psychological disorders. “Munchausen by Proxy” Dad makes me suffer so He can get all the attention!

  • hinten

    Science, schmience. Let me show you how it’s done.

  • beatnikhusker

    Are you SURE?! Because the last guy I worked for said Propofol was fairly safe.

  • gruggach

    I swear if this guy tells the “It hurts when I do this…” joke one more time I’m gonna pop him one.

  • Brian

    Jesus…. don’t… .fucking…. touch…. me

  • Doug

    This guy behind me is really pissing me off.

  • outeast

    Nah, doc, trust me. Propofol’s a way safer bet.

  • outeast

    btw so far MacCroc and Grug are neck-and-neck at 5 captions each, but Dale’s leading the field with 8…

    • MacCrocodile

      “Please focus. The test is tomorrow, and if you think wearing a white coat is enough to make you a doctor, clearly you need to study.”

      • Dale

        That’s good.

    • MacCrocodile

      “Really? Your cancer patients are still sick and dying? Guh, it’s like you’re not even trying to heal the sick.”

      • Dale

        That’s good, too. I really like your work.

    • MacCrocodile

      “A 4 goes here, and a 6 here…”
      “Do you mind, Jesus? Would you like your own sudoku book?”

    • MacCrocodile

      “Really? White at this time of year? Have a look at this nice off-white linen color. You might consider getting a lab coat in this material.”

      • Dale

        I’m just going to boost my numbers by telling MacCrocodile how much I like his comments.

      • MacCrocodile

        God forbid any of those comments should come with a thumbs up…

        Besides, we’re counting captions here. I still count myself as in the lead, but if someone could come up with a thumb count, we could settle this once and for all.

  • Kip

    Look jesus, fuck off, this is science not magic.

  • gruggach

    Staph infection… stenosis of the arteries… strep throat… This can’t be right, doc! Where’s stigmata?

  • Ninabi

    Christian Scientist? You’re doin’ it wrong. Here, let me take your textbooks and microscope away from you and try again.

  • Dale

    This may seem a little uncomfortable, but when I tell you, turn to the left and cough.

  • gruggach

    Dammit, Jesus! I’m a doctor not a carpenter!

  • gruggach

    I know I’m not 40 yet, doc, but I really want you to check my rectory.

    • Mike K

      Gruggach bringing the religious puns today!

  • Dale

    “One of your patients requested a cross examination.”

  • gruggach

    I don’t know how to break this to you, Mr. Christ, but the radioation treatments seem to have had an unexpected side effect. You see… it’s about that glow around your head…

  • gruggach

    It says right here: 1 million angels cna dance on the head of a pin. Fire up the microscope Mr. Science Guy and I’ll show you!

  • gruggach

    After years of Vicodin abuse, Dr. House begins to hallucinate.

  • gruggach

    If you had spent more time washing your hands rather than having your feet washed we wouldn’t be having this chat about your hepatitis now, would we?

  • MacCrocodile

    “No, Jesus, I’ve looked a thousand times. The Bible doesn’t describe any treatments for Influenza A or B! I guess they’re all going to die.”

  • MacCrocodile

    “There, see for yourself. It is not spelled ‘LORDosis’, or even ‘Lordosis’, and it has nothing to do with you. What you have is melanoma.”

  • MacCrocodile

    “I’m sorry, Jesus, we did everything we could for your father, but I’m afraid he didn’t make it. Doctor Nietzsche will be in shortly to discuss your options.”

    • MacCrocodile

      Jehova started with an I, but he finished with a myocardial infarction.

  • Can it be?!? Yes! Oh, praise His name, my boner is back!

  • gruggach

    Jesus, dressed only in his open backed hospital gown, turns the other cheek.

  • mrclam

    “I’m telling you, Doc, those idiotic Pro-Lifers are coming to bomb the clinic! We gotta get out of here!”