1. “See, this is the one I wanted you to see. You can see Garfield has a serious problem with Mondays. Of course, an actual talking cat would be an abomination deserving of death, but I think in this context, it’s rather humorous.”

  2. “Excuse me, doctor, I think I know a thing or two about treating leprosy. What’s all this about ‘antibiotics’? Where’s the covering of the upper lip? the bald head? the shouting ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ This book is useless.”

  3. “If it’s all the same, I’d rather not get a tetanus shot. I’ve had enough things poked through my skin, thanks. Are you sure there’s no other treatment for lockjaw?”

  4. “Bam! What did I tell you. 1963, The Birds starring Tippi Hedren, not Kim Novak! You owe me a hundred bucks, doctor. Too bad; you could have spent that money on an internet connection, and we could settle these things faster next time.”

  5. Look, if you’d stop pouting and actually read the books on how the procedures are done, you’d have a helluva lot less malpractice suits against you!

  6. See? I told you! It’s right here in the big book of psychological disorders. “Munchausen by Proxy” Dad makes me suffer so He can get all the attention!

    1. “Please focus. The test is tomorrow, and if you think wearing a white coat is enough to make you a doctor, clearly you need to study.”

    2. “Really? White at this time of year? Have a look at this nice off-white linen color. You might consider getting a lab coat in this material.”

      1. God forbid any of those comments should come with a thumbs up…

        Besides, we’re counting captions here. I still count myself as in the lead, but if someone could come up with a thumb count, we could settle this once and for all.

  7. I don’t know how to break this to you, Mr. Christ, but the radioation treatments seem to have had an unexpected side effect. You see… it’s about that glow around your head…

  8. If you had spent more time washing your hands rather than having your feet washed we wouldn’t be having this chat about your hepatitis now, would we?

  9. “No, Jesus, I’ve looked a thousand times. The Bible doesn’t describe any treatments for Influenza A or B! I guess they’re all going to die.”

  10. “There, see for yourself. It is not spelled ‘LORDosis’, or even ‘Lordosis’, and it has nothing to do with you. What you have is melanoma.”

  11. “I’m sorry, Jesus, we did everything we could for your father, but I’m afraid he didn’t make it. Doctor Nietzsche will be in shortly to discuss your options.”

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