1. “Attention, everybody. There are some bad loaves and fishes going around. Do not eat of the brown fishes. Thank you, now back to the sermon.”

  2. “… and Jesus said ‘Bring them to me,” and he looked up to Heaven and gave thanks, and gave them all handjobs, and they were all satisfied.”

  3. 27 Then saith He to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.
    28 And Thomas felt the wounds in His hands, and they were there for about an hour.
    29 And after that time, Thomas had only gotten to about half the hands, and the Lord said: Really, Thomas? You have to feel all of them to be convinced? I don’t mean to sound impatient, but I’ve got places to be.

  4. “I’ve got a surprise for you. If you can guess which hand it’s in, you can have it. You only get seventeen guesses.”

  5. “I will make you fishers of men, but first I will make us the best cabaret act in Galilee. I’ve got this routine planned out, but I need eight to twelve other guys for the visual to work. It’ll be hot. You’re okay with nudity, right?”

  6. In this universe, giving the sign of the cross is an elaborate ordeal that can take up to ten minutes to complete.

  7. “It’s fun to stay at the

  8. “Ahhh, jeez. Yeah, so it looks like this job is gonna cost a bit more than we originally said in our estimate. We did not realize on the original walkthrough that there were so many arms in here. We’re looking at at least nine times as many nails as we thought, and maybe as much as a dozen extra boards for that cross. This guy is definitely not up to code.”

  9. And on air-guitar, Jesus performs the classic children’s gospel song, “He’s got the whole world in his hand hand hand hand hand…”

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