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  1. “No, you can’t come home yet. You have to stay there and be tortured to death so that I can forgive everyone for their sins against me, and then I’ll raise you from the dead so that you can come to heaven so that….uh…I forget where I was going with all this.”

  2. The self-administered Heimlich maneuver worked way better than Jesus expected but it he swore it would be the last time he tried to choke down any of that “miracle” bread!

  3. And lo, the heavenly cheeseball descended to His eternally grateful orifice, and upon its consumption, he did utter “Yea, transfats are but good shit.”

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