1. “So wait, I’m confused. If I’m not actually a king, and you’re not actually a king, who’s in charge around here? Let’s just ask Michael Jackson.”

  2. “Someone stepped on your blue suede shoes? Oh, how awful, you poor thing. I couldn’t possibly imagine a worse thing to happen to a person’s feet.”

  3. “Um, is there someone I could talk to about wardrobe or lighting or whatever department controls this? I don’t mean to be a diva here, but Elvis seems to have gotten a brighter halo than me.”

  4. “Hey, so when I said it was okay to eat pork again, I really didn’t think you’d be quite so… gung-ho about it. You might want to come up for air every once in a while.”

  5. “Elvis, we’re going to have to discuss what happened sooner or later. So we got drunk and got married, big whoop, happens all the time. If it’s any consolation, the state of Nevada doesn’t recognize the marriage as legal, so there’s no problem.”

  6. I really don’t know what you guys are looking at. It’s just a random pattern in toast. Sure, I guess it looks a little like two faces, but beyond that, you’re just seeing what you want to see.

  7. E: You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
    J: They don’t call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?
    E: No, they got the metric system there, they wouldn’t know what the f**k a Quarter Pounder is.
    J: What’d they call it?
    E: Royale with Cheese.

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