1. “Dammit, I can’t even go ten miles out of town and dig a hole to take a crap in without these schmucks fawning all over me. Let me make this clear: these are not relics! I better not find out you guys are collecting this.”

  2. It’s going to rain, I said it’s going to rain. There is also going to be a lunar eclipse. What we are out of food? Holy crap. Let’s divide up what we have right now. Nothing…ok, I am about to say something real important. Get me a scribe…never a scribe around when you need one.

  3. These days, countless churches claim to possess the Holy Shit of Nazareth, but even just counting those officially recognized by the Church as Holy Rectal Relics amount to a pile no single man could ever have excreted in a 33-year lifespan. The Church acknowledges this inconsistency and even claims it as a miracle itself: the miracle of the Loaves (no Fishes).

  4. So you don’t think masturbation should be a sin? Remember this: every time you shake hands with a man, there’s a 50/50 chance that’s the hand he used… probably in the last 24 hours. Now, any lefties out there want to arm wrestle?

    1. I would bet the odds are better than 50/50.

      Well, maybe not better, depending on your perspective. The odds are higher. I can’t speak for everyone, and I’ve hardly gotten a statistically significant sampling, but I think most guys use their dominant hand.

      Sorry, I don’t mean to derail this thread.

      “Eat of this, for it is my body. Hang on… just a minute. Eat…. of….”

  5. Are we all going to hang around here all day with our dicks out, or make some water into wine? You’re partying with the son of God now bitchasses.

  6. Crowd: “Hey JC, what’s with the pixelated hand?”
    Jesus points to the sky: “Pfft…my dad thought it would be a funny prank. Only, once he changed it, some idiot came up and slapped me on the back. Now it’s stuck like this”

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