60 Comments

  1. “No, not again. I… why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to Dad, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.”

  2. “A Stop Error can be easily resolved with a laying-on of hands – a blue screen of resurrection, as it were, he ha.” Jesus joins Microsoft’s support team.

  3. “The perspective is horrible, the keyboard is larger than the monitor, and it only runs Windows ME. Heaven’s computers suck donkey balls.”

  4. Why yes sir, in fifteen minutes, by switching to Godco, I can save you 15% on your afterlife insurance. Who are you going to trust? Some filthy little lizard or me?

  5. After spending hours on WebMD, Jesus was relieved to find that his gigantic four-fingered hand was not a symptom of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

  6. From Dr Jesus
    Director:Audit/Account unit,
    Foreign Remittance
    International Bank of Heaven.

    Dear,

    PLEASE TREAT AS ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENTIAL.

    My name is Dr Jesus, I am one of the Senior Managers in the bank I work for (International bank of Heaven) and I work under the Director of Foreign Exchange Operations(International Bank of Heaven).I am contacting you presently because I need your urgent assistance in a business transaction that will be of immense benefit to both of us.

    I have the immediate need to transfer some money that has long been declared_UNCLAIMED_ by the Chairman and some members of the board of directors of our bank.

    The money is the closing balance of one of our best customers ever, Late Engr. Lee Yung , I was his personal account officer just before he died in the lightening strike cause by the anger of my Father when I beat him at beer pong. Engr. Lee Yung a Japanese citizen was a contractor with the Federal Government of Togo, he supplied and installed equipment and his company Creek Contractors completed some of the best construction contracts in the country. His closing balance in the bank, THIRTY million (US30M) has been tagged unclaimed because no relative of Engr. Lee Yung has come forward to make a statement of claim. We have no knowledge of a next of kin.

    At this point I trust you can picture what the situation is like. We have strong proof that the chairman and the board of directors will keep most of the money for themselves and donate the remainder to a discredited military trust here in Togo. This invariably is an attempt to infuse more money into the acquisition of military equipment (arms and ammunition) for use in an already prostrate Africa.

    This of course, is senseless, hence my mission. My colleagues and my self have made several attempts at locating persons that could be remotely related to engr. Lee Yung and we have been doing this for about 4 years now. Right now I am almost alone in this enterprise and I have presently decided on moving the money to a foreign account. I am hereby soliciting your assistance and I will be very grateful if you will be willing to help in this regard. I have worked out a plan to handle this transaction in carefully followed stage. You will help by providing a safe bank account into which the money will be paid and you will stand, as a next of kin of Engr. Lee Yung I will provide you with answers to security question, which you will have to answer. I will also provide you answers to questions that only a person related to him will know. If you follow my instructions closely, we will successfully conclude this transaction in 14 working days.

    Every thing should be concluded on telephone and fax between you and the bank. For your participation you will be commensurately compensated with 25%,5% is set aside to settle all expenses incurred by both parties.70% will be kept on trust in your account proir to my arrival for the sharing. If you disagree, you should call me so that we discuss the compensation among other primary details. I make this proposal in trust and in good faith, therefore,if you are interested and you agree to assist me then contact me immediately you receive this email, there is a lot more to talk about. If you are not interested, then, please, do get rid of this email and please forgive me if this message has upset you in anyway.

    Thank you and best regards.

    DR Jesus

  7. Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!

      1. It-It-It’s a red Swingline. But then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll walk on water and turn it into wine and walk on wine…

  8. “OK, I have YouTube up. I forgot, you said it’s called, Two girls, one what again? ”

    “Seriously though, you say to visit “Cyical-C.com”?”
    (reads a few pages)
    What the hell, man?

  9. “Tech. support, Jesus speaking, how may I help you?”

    “Er, I don’t sound Mexican because I’m not Mexican.”

    “No. It’s actually a Greek name, it’s the Greek form of ‘Joshua’.”

    “No, I’m not Greek either…”

    [Why Jesus quit on his first day of Tech. Support]

  10. “So you see kids, Al Gore didn’t invent the internet and global warming. Jesus invented the internet and Gore invented global warming.”

  11. “No, sir, there’s nothing I can do about the glow. Has someone been complaining? I suppose I could wear a hat, but I’m afraid that doesn’t actually cover up the glowing. No, sir, I’m not talking back to you.”

  12. “I know the company^H^H^H^H^H^H^H firm has never hired a Kike^H^H^H^H Jew^H^H^H Jewish guy^H^H^H^H^H^H^H before, but I’m telling you, this Jew^H^H^H guy^H^H^H Jew can work miracles!”

  13. God knew he had created a son who was spoiled rotten and could have anything he wanted, so he forced Jesus to do a summer of phone solicitation to get a better understanding of the “working class”.

  14. Hi there. I’m Kenny Loggins. In the next twenty minutes, I’m going to show you how people from all walks of life are making money on the Internet.

  15. So, see, by installing this new e-mail and website archiving software, we can make sure there are no disagreements if we ever need to review your activity in the future..

  16. “Oh no! Not ANOTHER Nigerian prince who needs my help! What’s wrong with that country? Okay okay, where’s my credit card?”

    OR

    Tonight on How to Catch a Predator…

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