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    1. Food related:
      Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, “Dude, you have to wait”.

      Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

      Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

      On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?

      I order a club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, I don’t know how I get away with it. “I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.” “So do I.” “Lets form a club then.” “Okay, but we’re gonna need more stipulations.” “Yes we do.” “OK… Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again.” “Yeah, four triangles.” “And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad.” “Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?” “I’m for ’em!” “Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide.”

      My favorite: I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

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