1. That reminds me of a time when my brother and I (we were about 12 and 15) kept messing with the emergency stop button in the elevator at a hotel. Well, when we stopped it one time, the doors opened and we saw that we were on the bottom floor. Figuring we should stop the game before we got in trouble anyway we tried to coolly step off, not realizing that we were still about 18 inches above the floor. We both tumbled into the lobby right in front of the desk and a lobby full of people.

  1. I’ll often peel fruit or open a package, throw the fruit or whatever away, and stand there like an idiot with the peel or package in my hand.

    1. I take orange slices in my lunch frequently, but I can’t peel them without losing my grip and throwing one across the table, or up in the air and into my lap.

  2. My internal monologue on February 1st this year, driving to work in the morning:

    “Hey, it’s the first of the month. Wait… is this April Fool’s Day? No, it’s not April yet. Then is it February Fool’s Day? Christ I’m an idiot.”

  3. You might want to check out the book “The Design of Everyday Things”:


    They go into detail about how things like doors are often poorly designed so it’s not obvious whether you’re supposed to push or pull, while a properly designed makes this intuitive.

    The book will change the way you look at things from “I’m an idiot, why can’t I figure this out?” to “The designer is an idiot, I can’t figure this out”.

  4. As I scroll down the page I keep nodding my head vigorously as I have done several of the things listed previously…more than once. Hooray for other asshats! Thank you for making me feel a little less stupid.

  5. In your defense, that isn’t an unreasonable expectation. Fire laws in most areas dictate that all doors have to open out to the direction you would move in the event of a fire, so that a rush of people pushing to the door doesn’t leave you in a situation where you can’t open it without other people backing up.

    Most people don’t know that, but they managed to internalize it anyway and doors like that confuse the hell out of people.

  6. Just this past weekend I pulled a similar stunt with doors… To my defense, the outside set of doors pulled open, while the inside pushed open, so my yank on the inside doors was not *completely* idiotic. Still, I was happy to note the two ladies within view of the door were looking the other way.

    Old joke:
    “I went to the store the other day and came to a door with a sign on it. I pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled on that door, but could not get it to open!”
    “What did the sign say?”

  7. Apart from having gone into computer programming? Sometimes I put the car in reverse, stop and forget to put it to drive. I figure I’m just a few years away from a ‘senior drives into store/bank/school’ appearance on local TV.

  8. I often get all dressed up in my safety gear to go out into the plant to collect some data. I return to my office missing a critical piece and have to return.

    Or get halfway there and realize I forget my pencil.

    It’s beyond absentmindedness. It’s not planning properly.

  9. On an average of three times a year, while rushing for work, I’ll put my boxers on backwards. This leads to a panicky few minutes the first time I visit the men’s room that day.

    “Aw, man! I swear I had my penis when I left the house this morning!”

  10. afew times a month I will have to return to my kitchen or living room up to three times after getting in my car to retrieve everything I need for work that day.
    Got your lunch? Sunglasses? Did you take your pill? Feed the cat? Turn off the light? Mail the phone bill? Put on your belt? Are you stupid?

    1. My wife actually says to me occasionally “you’ll be back”, meaning I forgot one of the things you mentioned or something else. One time she was wrong! Muahahahah!

  11. While trying to teach a new coworker something I was trying to be professional and impart my years of knowledge on this person, I was walking in circles looking for something. I was mumbling to myself and the new guy heard me say ‘pencil’. He immediately pointed out that it was in my hand.

  12. I made smoked mackerel dauphinoise for the other day, which my GF loves. Served it up, then realised I’d forgotten to put the smoked mackerel in.

    She found it hilarious.

  13. I hear ya EV.
    Mine was Chicken & Dumplings with company over. Served it up and the wife said “what happened to the chicken?”. Looked over by the sink and there was the bowl of sliced up chicken breasts.

  14. Not quite a year ago, I upgraded to a fancy new stove/oven with enclosed burners under a glass cook top (or ceramic or whatever they call it). The first time I used the oven, I was taking the pan out, about to put it on the cook top and stopped for a split second. “Wait, can I put hot stuff on this?” Of course you can, MORON, it’s a STOVE.

  15. one morning I noticed I forgot to lock my car doors the night before so I told myself to remember to lock the car doors tonight.

    after a long day of work, I got home in the evening and kept thinking “remember to lock the car doors”

    I got home, shut off the car and locked the car doors.

    then I tried to get out of the car and thought “what’s going on?! something is wrong with my car!…..”

Comments are closed.