Get Cynical

Courtesy of the fine folks at reddit:

Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs should do nicely.

Bring that fucker home and get out a long, thin knife.

In a pilon (that’s a mortar and pestle gringo) smash up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt, some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now you have another ghetto sofrito.

Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.

Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the holes. Don’t be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig. RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack some fucking pepper on there.

Set your oven for ~300 degrees

Throw the pork in skin side up and WAIT.

It’s going to take like 45 minutes a pound…

A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is the best cure.

After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the bone, or you will get a bad reading.

You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400 degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin that will make your pork rinds taste like year old carboard comparison.

At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON’T carve it up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the fuck out. WAIT.

From Wikipedia:

The Unfinished Portrait is a water color of Franklin Delano Roosevelt that was in progress at the time of his collapse and subsequent death. Elizabeth Shoumatoff had begun working on the portrait of the president around noon on April 12, 1945. FDR was being served lunch when he stated “I have a terrific headache” and then collapsed of a massive cerebral hemorrhage. Later that day Roosevelt died. Shoumatoff never finished the portrait.

(via The Best of Wikipedia)

From The Smoking Gun:

Trudeau, a convicted felon, has been the FTC’s Public Enemy Number One for more than a decade, owing to his habit of making false and misleading claims when peddling various products to unsuspecting/gullible consumers. These products include purported weight loss “cures,” get-rich-quick programs, and alternative medicine books disclosing cures that the medical community has supposedly hidden from the public.

Along with ripping off his customers, the oily Trudeau appears to be a nightmare boss based on scores of internal policy directives he has issued to employees over the years. There are too many bizarre Trudeau communiqués to publish here, so we’ve settled on a quartet that provide a glimpse at his management style and priorities.

These strange Trudeau directives address company policies on clean desks, the use of dictionaries, the need to drink fruit and vegetable juices, and Scientology and Dianetics.

What’s your go to topic for small talk?

I haven’t watched any sports in years which eliminates me from 90% of small talk conversations…. And I find talking about the weather excruciatingly boring. This is why I wear headphones as much as possible and refresh my email on my iPhone over and over when sharing an elevator with someone.

(via ReligiousDouchebags)

There’s a website where you can request (purchase?) the Blood of Jesus Oil which is described as:

This is regular olive oil which represents the Holy Spirit and a special coloring to make it look red thus we call it “The Blood of Jesus Anointing Oil.” There is no virtue or healing in this oil, it is a point-of-contact and an act-of-faith.

And of course testimonials:

Kathy Herrick of Macon anointed herself with the oil and God delivered her from 18 years of deep alcoholism!

(via Joe My God)