My Review of the New Twilight Movie

My wife likes the Twilight series…. And because our wedding vows said through sickness and in health, through the good movies and the ones featuring mindnumbingly vapid abstinence porn starring sparkle vampires… I had no choice but to accompany her to the latest chapter of The Good, The Bad and the Mormons. So for you faithful readers who want to know what the movie was about without actually suffering through it, I present to you my review of the new Twilight movie.

There were 16 steps leading up to my seat.

There were 64 lights on the wall leading up to my seat like a little runway, twinkling and waiting for a little plane that will never land.

There were 24 seats to a row and we were 14 rows up.

My first memory is from when I was about 3 years old in a crib begging my father to take me out while he was looking for socks in an old dresser.

My left thumb beat my right thumb 4 out of 5 times in a thumb wrestling match but only because I’m right handed and favor underdogs.

I can’t sleep sitting up. Even when I’m exhausted, the room is dark and I’m watching the cinematic equivalent of Ambien.

If I really try, I can remember pi to the 2nd digit. 3.1 something.


They Take The Chicken and Nugget It

Reviews of Wendy’s from Google Maps:

Rated 5.0 out of 5.0 By iregretjumping – Jan 27, 2010
They take the chicken and nugget it. Then they take the chili and magic it. So, here is what I did. I ordered both the Chicken Nuggets and the Chili from the lady. Both of them are on the dollar menu and I was all like “WHAAAT?” and the lady was like “BOOM!” So now I had the Chicken and the Chili and I dipped the chicken into the chili. Once the chicken came into contact with said chili, a bright light and a voice came out of the wax-coated cardboard bowl. It turns out when the awesomeness of the two collide, it rips a hole in the time-space continuum and a portal to heaven opens. From that gleaming portal of light, the voice told me the secrets of the universe such as ‘If you dip chicken nuggets in chili, it will open a gateway to heaven.’ I was all like, “Duh!”. The voice called me a douche-nozzle and the void closed. I was all “Woah!” then began pumping the ketchup pump on the counter until it was empty. They kicked me out.?

da best foo??
Rated 5.0 out of 5.0 By jacob – Apr 22, 2010
damn dude i wal;ked into that wendys and was like sht this place got dat good sht. then i went up to that girl and ordered some stuff and it was all cheap as hell. i said holy sht and that lady said blazam bizznich. i sat down and started to eat dat stuff and as it touched my mouth i suddenly came in my pants and dat sherr smell of dat chicken made dem other fools in the resturant cumm in their pants to. den we were all like damn this stuff is da sht. suddenly juesus came to tell us bout hoew good wendys in but den i ate some more chicken and jesus and everyone elso came in their pants and was like ohhhhhhhhhh!?

Avast ye wench!??
Rated 5.0 out of 5.0 By Griffin – Jan 24, 2010
This pub be a merry bit of a ruckas. Ye gunna find th’ parrot bits be amongst th’ crispiest ye have e’er tasted. I put one in me gullet ‘n bellowed “Avast Wendy, but I feel that ye’re bein’ a wee bit capricious”. Th’ wenches tendin’ to th’ apparatuses ‘n the galley be, howe’er, quite cantankerous. I took a go at courtin’ one, howe’er she rejected me advances. I attempted t’ preserve me honor by declarin’ “I dasn’t really mind, yer appearance unsettles me as it be”.?

Rare 1970s BP Offshore Oil Strike board game donated to toy museum

From SaffronWaldenReporter:

Made by Printabox (Scotland) Ltd in collaboration with British Petroleum Company (BP) the game was released in the early 70s and the remarkable parallels between the game and the current crisis out in the Gulf of Mexico are amazing. The currency on the money in the game is in dollars and there are playing cards marked Hazards, Blow out! Rig Damaged. Oil Slick Clean-up costs $1m.

Mr Goldsmith said: “The picture on the front of the box is so reminiscent to the disaster with the stormy seas, the oil rig and an overall sense of doom. I was so knocked over by how relevant this game is, made some 35 years ago, to BP’s current crisis today.”

Mr Goldsmith will soon be releasing a price guide book on collectable board games and will be including this rare find in the first edition.

BoardGameGeek has a little more info about the game.

The Ghost Army

From Wikipedia:

The Ghost Army was a United States Army tactical deception unit during World War II officially known as the 23rd Headquarters Special Troops. The 1,100-man unit was given a unique mission within the Army to impersonate other U.S. Army units in order to fool the enemy. From a few weeks after D-Day, when they landed in France, until the end of the war, they put on a traveling road show, using inflatable tanks, sound trucks, phony radio transmissions and even playacting. They staged more than 20 battlefield deceptions, often operating very close to the front lines.

(via Best of Wikipedia)