Question of the Day

What’s your favorite joke?

So many to choose from. But my vote is for Emo Phillips and this one:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

70 Comments

  1. A pedophile and a young girl are walking through the woods.
    The girl looks to the pedophile and says “Boy, these woods sure are spooky”.
    The pedophile looks at the girl and says “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone”.

    1. How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      Oh never mind. It’s some really obscure number that you’ve probably never heard of.

  2. Totally stupid joke, but it always makes me chuckle:

    A duck walks into a feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

    The clerk tells him, ”No, we don’t have a market for it it so we don’t carry it.”

    The duck says, ”Okay” and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

    Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

    Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, ”Got any duck feed?”

    The clerk says, ”I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”

    The duck leaves.

    The next day, the duck walks in and asks, ”Got any nails?”

    ”No,” comes the reply.

    ”Got any duck feed?”

  3. a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says
    “what is this? a joke?”

    (i’m not even kidding when i tell you i love that joke.)

      1. it’s a relief to hear someone else likes it, usually people look at me like i’m an asshole when i tell that joke and then giggle.

  4. My absolute favorite joke is “Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley and one was assaulted,” but it only works when spoken aloud, so here’s (arguably) my second favorite:

    What’s the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

    A large pizza can feed a family of four.

  5. The classic “your money or your life” bit from Jack Benny’s radio show, where notorious cheapskate Benny is confronted by a mugger:

    Mugger: Didn’t you hear me, pal? I said “your money or your-!”

    Benny: I heard you!

    Mugger: WELL?

    Benny: I’m thinking! I’m thinking!

  6. I will post mine and I hope I don’t offend anyone with it. Here goes:

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    9/11
    9/11 Who?
    You said you would never forget

  7. Favourite joke gotta be from my fav Bill Bailey;

    “Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.”
    or
    “Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.”

  8. A man runs into a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of their finest single malt. The bartender lines them up and the man drinks them one after the other. “Wow,” says the bartender. “I never seen anyone drink that fast.” The man replies, “You’d drink fast if you had what I had.” The bartender says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. What do you have?” “Twenty-five cents.”

  9. So this man is getting on a flight and he hears that the Pope is on the flight. “WOW, great!” he thinks. “What a good place to be today.”
    So he is boarding and he doesn’t see the Pope and figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

    He takes his seat and is thankfull that there is an empty next to him. Just before the flight closes on walks the Pope and sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

    So the plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seatbelts and the man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help. Well the flight continues and the Pope is working his way thru the puzzle and the man notices that the Pope is tapping his pencil thinking.

    The Pope turns to him and asks “I usually don’t talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me. ”

    “Anything your eminence. What is it?”

    Do you know a four letter word for ‘woman’ that ends in u-n-t?

    The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says “The only word I can think of is aunt.”

    The pope turns to him and asks “Can I borrow your eraser?”

  10. A man and a gorgeous blonde get on an elevator. After a moment, the man leans over and says “Excuse me, ma’am. Can I smell your feet?”

    “Of course not!” the blonde exclaims.
    .
    .
    .
    “Huh. Must be your crotch.”

    — Lisa Lampanelli

  11. Truest joke:
    Optimist – Glass half full
    Pessimist – Glass half empty
    Engineer – Glass twice as big as it needs to be

    (Still looking for a metallurgist joke)

  12. Wow, I’m going to steal a lot of these. Here’s mine…

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of Guinness each. Just as the bartender is bringing them to the men, three flies fly by. Each one lands in it’s own frothy head of beer.

    The Englishman looks at his pint with disgust, “excuse me barkeep, but would you mind replacing this with another that does not contain a fly?” The bartender obliges him.

    The Scotsman looks at his pint in annoyance, brings his middle finger to his thumb, and says, “outta my beer ya wee bugger!” before flicking the fly across the room.

    The Irishman looks at his pint and gasps, pulls the fly out, holds it over his glass, pats it on the back and says, “spit it out, ya bastard!”

    1. The way I heard it, the Irishman and the Scotsman had their roles the other way around, the punchline being that Scots are supposed to be cheap.

  13. So, this man keeps bringing guests home for dinner without telling his wife. She asks him over and over, please give me some notice so I can make enough food. But, he persists, and she finally snaps.

    “I’ll put a stop to this”, she thinks to herself, and proceeds to make a catfood casserole.

    To her surprise, after dinner her husband complements her on the meal and says “You can serve that anytime.”

    Pretty soon she’s saving a ton of money serving catfood this and catfood that. She tells her friends when she takes them to the spa on her savings.

    A couple of months later, the husband dies. After the funeral, one of the friends hesitantly asks her “Was it the cat food that killed him?”

    “Well, not exactly” she says, “He was sitting on the back of his couch licking his balls and he fell off and broke his neck.”



    I rarely get the last line off without cracking myself up.

  14. My favorite joke is by Redd Foxx and was printed in my high school senior year book as my favorite quote:

    “I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have anything to play with.”

  15. How many Canadian civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to change the bulb, et l’autre pour le remplacer encore une fois, mais en français.

    A young woman stumbles back to her dorm room after a party to find her blonde roommate waiting up for her.
    “Guess what,” she tells the blonde, “I just had sex with two Brazilian guys!”
    “Oh my gawd, you giant slut!” her friend says, “How many is a brazillion?”

  16. My dad always tells this one…
    A writer for a local newspaper is covering a story about a local hero who just happens to be a pig. The farmer who owns the pig tells the story of how the pig saved he and his families life multiple times. Once from a fire and once from a rabid dog and once he saved his daughter from falling into a well. Just then, the pig hobbles by on three legs. Amazed, the writer says, “That must be how he lost his leg.” And the farmer replies, “Well, no. With a pig that good, you just can’t eat him all at once.”

  17. A guy walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State Building and sits next to another gentleman at the end of the bar. The 1st man orders a beer, and strikes up some small talk with the other guy.
    After a while, and a few beers, the 2nd guy turns to the 1st guy with a wild look in his eye…

    “Hey! I bet you the next round that I can jump out of that window over there… fly around the building… and jump back in through that same window safe as can be!”

    The 1st guys takes the bet, and before his eyes the 2nd man leaps off of his stool… runs over to the open window.. leaps out… and then flies around the

  18. Flies around the building jumping back in through the same window he lept out of… and then casually strolls back over to his stool at the end of the bar.

    “Holy Crap!” Says the 1st guy, “That was amazing”, and he buys the next round. “I bet you another round you couldn’t do that again!”

    “You’re on!” Again, the 2nd man leaps out of the window, flies around the whole building, and then enters back in through the same window he jumped out of.

    The next round is bought and paid for but the 1st man in comepletely befuddled! “How did you do that?!”

    “Well,” Says the 2nd guy, “I’ve got to be honest… this bar is MAGIC… and we have been drinking magic beer all night!”

    “Magic!? We’ve BOTH been drinking magic beer?!”

    And before anybody can say another word the 1st man leaps off of his stool… runs to the window… jumps out…

    and falls immediately to his death.

    The 2nd guy can only chuckle as the bartender walks over… “You know, you’re a REAL asshole when you get drunk, Superman.”

  19. A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices that a ship’s wheel is sticking out of the pirate’s pants.

    “So what’s with the wheel in your pants?”

    “Yar, it’s driving me nuts!”

    ….which has now become the joke between my wife and I – “It’s steering my balls!”

  20. There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight-of-hand tricks. He had a regular spot on the ship’s cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the onboard parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his secrets like:

    “IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT’S UP HIS SLEEVE!” or

    “IT’S IN HIS POCKET, IT’S IN HIS POCKET!” or

    “IT’S IN HIS MOUTH, IT’S IN HIS MOUTH!”

    The magician was getting pretty sick of this and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

    Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes.

    The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, “OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?”

  21. oh, i have one more,
    two young guys are arrested for selling pot and the judge decides to give them a break so he says
    “here’s what we’ll do– you go out and try to convert some kids who are getting into drugs and get them to fly straight, and if you succeed i’ll drop the charges… see you in one week.”

    one week later the guys go back and the judge asks the first guy how many kids he converted and the guy says “eight”. pleased, the judge asks how he did it, to which he replied
    “well, your honor, i drew to circles on the blackboard, a big circle and a small circle, pointed at the big circle and said ‘this is your brain’, then i pointed to the small circle and said ‘this is your brain after doing drugs’ ”

    still pleased, the judge asks the second guy, “how many did you convert?” and the guy says “a hundred and four, your honor”.

    shocked, the judge asks “wow, how did you do that?” to which the guy replies
    “well, i also drew two circles on the blackboard, one big, one small. i then pointed to the small circle and said ‘this is your asshole before prison…’ “

  22. These are fantastic!

    What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
    The Rolling Stones say “Hey you, get off my cloud”. A Scotsman says “Hey McCloud, get off my Ewe!”

  23. It’s a really long joke about a pig with a wooden leg who saved his owner’s life three times, so I’ll just give you the punchline: “You can’t eat a pig like that all at once.”

  24. Well, I see someone already did that pig joke.

    Driving through the country a man sees a farmer holding a pig in his arms so the pig can eat apples off a tree. The man in the car calls out, “You’d save a lot of time if you shook the apples out of the tree and let the pig eat the apples off the ground.”

    The farmer replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

  25. man walks up to bartender proposing a bet

    -“i bet 10 bucks i can piss in that bucket over there from here and not spill a drop.”

    the bartender wants to see this and agrees.
    So the man starts pissing all over place, not even near hitting the bucket and the bartender laughs and laughs at the pitiful attempt.

    -“you didn’t hit with anything!”

    -“well i bet 20 bucks with that guy over there that I could piss all over the floor and you would only laugh about it”

  26. A guy comes into a bar.
    No wait. How does it go again? Umm…oh yeah that’s right, it was a horse!
    So a guy comes into a horse…

  27. Three kings are following a star across the desert to a humble stable in Bethlehem. The first one enters, and kneels before the newborn child. “We come bearing gifts for the new Messiah.” The second one comes in, kneels, and starts saying prayers of thanks. The third one, who is quite tall, bends down to come in, but still cracks his head loudly against the top of the door frame. “Jesus Christ!!” he yells. Mary looks at Joseph, then turns around to look at the still swearing guest. “That’s a great name. We were going to call him Fred.”

  28. Americans won’t get this, but for my Canadian friends:

    Q: What do Adolph Hitler and Terry Fox have in common?

    A: Neither one could finish a race.

  29. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off? He’s Alright now.

    I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  30. We need at least one ”Traveling Salesman“ joke…

    A traveling salesman rings a doorbell and a 3 year-old boy answers the door smoking a huge cigar.
    ”Is your mommy home, little boy?“ the salesman asks.
    The little boy taps ashes from his cigar onto the carpet and says, ”What do you think?“

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