Review of the Night

Roger Ebert’s glowing review of Transformers II:

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

The plot is incomprehensible. The dialog of the Autobots, Deceptibots and Otherbots is meaningless word flap. Their accents are Brooklyese, British and hip-hop, as befits a race from the distant stars. Their appearance looks like junkyard throw-up. They are dumb as a rock. They share the film with human characters who are much more interesting, and that is very faint praise indeed.

Not quite as praiseworthy as his review of North:

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

22 Comments

  1. I didn’t think the first transformers was that horrible… it didn’t approach being a good movie, but it was actually slightly better than i thought it would be, i was expecting Armageddon/Independence Day awfulness. Extremely, extremely low expectations are sometimes your friend.

    Ebert has his own film festival iirc… anyone ever attend?

  2. I hated the first Transformers. Loathed it. Despised it. Use whatever derogatory words you want. Not that you can expect much from Michael Bay, who has the cinematic IQ of dung beetle.

    The second one is, by all accounts, exactly like the first one, only quadruple stuffed and longer. Brilliant. Like having a double-stacker dogshit sandwich.

    I saw “Up” tonight, and adored it. Perfect family entertainment, can be enjoyed by anyone and everyone. Funny, touching, well-voiced, beautifully animated, exciting, sad…goddamn, what a great movie.

  3. The michael bay transformers movies are absolutely terrible, I don’t care what anyone says the transformers in these movies look downright awful, I can’t tell one apart from another, theyre generic and characterless.

    Also if I wanted to see a car commercial I’d sit at home and watch TV, rather than pay 10 bucks to see one in the theater. Am I the only one who gets the vibe that this series is just a vessel to sell the new camaro?

  4. mm… electric, that was one point where they did exceed expectations of horribleness… casting all GM-cars-only was the worst choice/sellout (and close to worst timing) of all product placements. it’s still a small level above Independence Day and Armageddon hands down… you can’t get worse than those 2.

  5. And yet there is no way this could possibly flop. Which is kinda weird.

    PS: I always enjoyed Independence Day for what it is. At least in the 90ies, movies didn’t look like 2 hour car commercials. I’m so sick of the Dutch Angle shots.

  6. I actually enjoyed Independence Day, too. It’s schlock, and it’s idiotic, and it’s implausible to say the least….but I was entertained.

    Plus, it had President Roslin in it. Always a bonus (though she would have kicked alien ass a lot quicker than Bill PUllman did).

  7. Roger Ebert hating a Michael Bay film. I’m shocked.

    Anyone going to Transformers 2 not expecting a loud over the top explosion filled symphony of stupidity is naive. I’m still gonna watch it. Robots smashing each other up is likely to be good for a few laughs.

  8. i think roger ebert is great.
    he seemed to miss the point of transformers2, though, which i can sum up in 3 words:
    giant robots, dude.

    when i was a kid i had to watch movies like ‘robot jox’ to see giant robots, and transformers is just better.

  9. @err,

    Well, Ebert gave the first Transformers movie 3 stars so I don’t think he’s adverse to the giant robot theme.

    I haven’t seen either so I can’t say. But I have seen Indiana Jones with Shia Lebouf (not gonna bother googling to see how close I was with the spelling) and if he destroyed the Indy franchise, how could he help the Transformers one?

  10. I liked the first one. It’s actually the only Michael Bay movie that I can say that about. And apparently he’s quitting the franchise because he’s sick of people hating on his smash ’em up blow ’em up movies and he wants to be taken as a serious director. HA.

  11. egad, three stars?
    that seems a bit generous.

    maybe the giant robot novelty just wore off for him, i know i’m not nearly as excited about the sequel as i was for the original.

    i’ll be honest with you, i loathe shia labiff and megan fox, and if not for the giant robots i’d probably consider these movies worthless, much as i have all of m.bays other movies (except the island, which i thought was surprisingly noteworthy).

  12. And apparently he’s quitting the franchise because he’s sick of people hating on his smash ‘em up blow ‘em up movies and he wants to be taken as a serious director.

    Now this is priceless.

  13. I read that too. I can’t wait for Bay’s “serious” movie. Not one slo-mo explosion or 360 pan around? Crazy talk.

    I’m proud to say I never paid to see Transformers. I borrowed it from a friend who inexplicably bought it on DVD. Now to find a chump who buys the second one. I don’t even want it sullying my Netflix queue and mailbox.

  14. I’d rather watch feces drift in the meager current a toilet bowl offers than watch anything Michael Bay has ever put out. It tends to have a better plot and no CGI robots

  15. Actually, “The Island” WAS his attempt at a serious movie – and it didn’t totally suck. In fact, it was a pretty decent science fiction flick. Bay is not without talent, but his brainless approach handcuffs him severely.

    He’s like a 13-year-old boy who never grew up. Favorite Bay-mocking moment: the South Park imagination land episode.

  16. two haiku review from Here

    Gruesome robot deaths!
    And an hour-long ad for
    the U.S. Army:

    “An Army of One . . .
    That Turns Into a Sports Car
    and Fucks-up Egypt.”

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