You Can’t Please Everyone – The Princess Bride

One star Amazon reviews of classic movies, music and literature. Today we take a look at The Princess Bride:

I’d heard much about this movie for quite a few years. About a week ago a friend finally lent me her copy to watch and I must confess that I am quite disappointed.

Now as a lightheart childrens comedy then the Princess Bride is good, but in the universal scheme of things I, not personally being a child anymore, consider it bad. The weak and ‘rubbery’ plot just didn’t do it for me, and as for the acting…

It actually reminded me of The Neverending Story (1,2&3) in style and plot. The campness just got to me in the end, I guess.

The book is so much better than this crummy movie, which is ruined by having Mandy Patinkin, Wallace Shawn, and Billy Crystal working very very very hard to be very very cute.

Silly, sentimental, and never as clever as it thinks it is. This is a movie for people who are seriously, deeply, truly moved by telephone commercials.

I have no idea what this is. This can’t be a movie because movies are supposed to be good. The story is assanine and unbelievable. The title makes no sense. What exactly is a princess bride who is named after a buttercup. I was made to watch this movie in school and it was torture. Thank you.

The Princess Bride is twenty years old, and after twenty years it’s difficult to see why anyone likes this movie. It is not realistic and most of the things that happen in the story are lies.

The Princess Bride is about two guys who are in a book and they’re fighting over a princess named Buttercup. But the problem is that one of them is a pirate and the other one is a giant! I know it’s supposed to be fictional…but come on! Even my suspension of disbelief is not that good, and I work with children!

At one point they all go in a swamp and that is pretty terrific because they have to deal with large rats, who are clearly added in digitally, but still are very thrilling. However, the rest of this movie is silly and doesn’t take any issues too seriously, but instead is too fantastical for anybody’s business.

This movie would be a lot better if it had Sean Penn in it, working with his wife, and maybe if he were solving crimes instead of swordfighting or some such nonsense. Basically, I don’t believe that Sean Penn would be swordfighting, do you?

Mandy Patinkin and Christopher Guest and Billy Crystal are wonderfully delightful in this film, that is otherwise a shamble from start to finish, and my guess is that whoever wrote the movie will probably never get offered another job before or after this movie.

If this bedtime story were read to me, I would want to wake up and find out that it was all a dream and instead that somebody was going to read me the script of “P.S. I Love You”

the labyrinth is better, but since it is out of print, this can be a poor substitute

The book is a MILLION times better than the movie. They left so much out and it really made me dissapointed when I finally saw the movie. Don’t waste your money on the movie, but i recommend reading the book.

When this movie begins a young boy is concerned that this movie is a kissing movie. But he is assured it is not by his grandpa. Unfortunately the granpa is wrong, this movie is undoubtedly “a kissing movie”. That is just one of the many problems witht the movie. Most importantly there is the pathetic supposed to be funny but greatly failing humor and script. This includes the very annoying line. “no more rhyming I mean it! Anyone want a peanut?” I mean seriously that is not funny. There is also the horrible effects. It is amazing that this movie was made in 1987 because I would have guessed it was made in 1960. Between mechanical rodents, kissing, kissing, kissing, peanuts, and Indigo Montoya’s fathers death this movie is bad.

This movie bothers me and I really mean it… anybody want a peanut? I particularly sick of hearing that phrase over and over again along with many others. If this movie could fall off the face of the earth, I wouldn’t cry.

The most annoying collection of bad jokes/puns/gags ever seen on celluloid. The humor is dry, at best, and vaguely vaudvillian. And if Buttercup has perfect breasts, them I’m Rod Steiger. Could someone please let me know who decided to give Andre the Giant a speaking role? The only remotely redeeming scene is the Wesley/Montoya swordplay, and it too is a bit tedious. The fact that this movie was even released is inconceivable.

You don’t need Sominex or any other sleeping pill if you are having trouble falling asleep. Just watch this excruciatingly boring film instead. You’ll be catching those zzz’s before 30 minutes elapse. This is one very boring movie.

I bought Princess Bride for really cheap, after seeing a friend at work reading the book at some point. I’d heard it was a really good movie, but took forever to get round to watching it.

When I did, I gave up after an hour. An hour of my time that I’ll never get back. I was really disappointed. I actually thought it would be a good movie, a happy movie, a movie I’d enjoy. I normally enjoy these kind of movies.

It just seemed to be an over the top pantomime, with every line of dialogue and gesture exaggerated beyond belief. There’s nothing exciting about the movie, and then for no reason, giant rats appear. Robin Wright Penn is normally great in movies, but in this, she just seemed to be sleepwalking straight through it, showing no emotion.

Every review I’ve skimmed seems to be giving it an excellent review. What’s wrong with ME that I don’t like this movie? It’s not as good as everyone is making it out to be.

This movie is, I am sorry to say, not really worth seeing. The only could thing about it is Cary Elwes, who is VERY CUTE. But aside from him I really would not reccomend this movie. Unless you are into severe human torture.

One of the worst films I have ever seen.

This is an amazingly boring, highly over-rated film from a screenwriter who is touted as a god in the business. It’s dull, boring, sheesh-ka-bob.

When I saw the movie, I was surprised that so many people gave it a high rating. This movie is for a very young audience, not even for teenagers.

For years now I have wondered why people think this movie is so wonderful. It is not funny and the whole movie is just stupid. It is time the truth came out. This movie is pathetic as are the performances by the actors.

I’ve had to sit/sleep/complain my way through this thing two times more than I should have. (I’ve seen this movie, oddly enough, twice) I can’t comprehend why so many people find this sort of low-brow humor amusing. (I guess the same geniouses who went to see Dumb and Dumber) I really hated that short little snot whose only claim to fame was being on Murphey Brown. (whoop) The quality of direction sort of reminds me of something I could have done with a home video camera, a bath tub, and a couple of toy boats. (I mean, come on! How many of you REALLY believed that was a full-sized ship they showed during the water scenes? Raise your hands please :::::silence::::: I thought not.)

30 Comments

  1. “This movie would be a lot better if it had Sean Penn in it, working with his wife, and maybe if he were solving crimes instead of swordfighting or some such nonsense. Basically, I don’t believe that Sean Penn would be swordfighting, do you?”

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    That is all.

  2. “This can’t be a movie because movies are supposed to be good”

    thats probably the single dumbest sentence ive read all year.

  3. “It is amazing that this movie was made in 1987 because I would have guessed it was made in 1960.”
    Because everyone was playing baseball video games and had He-man action figures in the sixties.

  4. My RSS Feed LIED! It had “The Graduate” listed. Or am I seeing into THE FUTURE!?!?!

    Anywho, yes, nothing like showing how ‘leet your reviewing skills are by comparing ANYTHING to Neverending Story (1 2 and 3, guess it never does end).

  5. “Low brow humor”? I get Dumb and Dumber but how does Princess Bride qualify? Funny characters?

    Who are these people? I would love to see their DVD collections or personal “best movies” list.

    Chris, how about the opposite of YCPE, Easy to Please, or something like that, where you find 5 star reviews of bad movies, my personal shameful love of Johnny Mnemonic and Point Break. Maybe toss Howard the Duck in there too? I might go check that out anyway.

  6. This movie deserves at least one extra star for its awesome invertible cover.

    @Seth: Good idea about ETP. No one understands why I bought copies of Timecop and Waterworld. And I thought Point Break was a great movie. Ever notice that The Fast and the Furious has almost the exact same plot, just in a different setting?

  7. It is not realistic and most of the things that happen in the story are lies.

    One might even call them “fictions”…

    Seriously, how do these people even know how to turn on a computer?

  8. err, i felt exactly the same about that sentence.

    This can’t be a movie because movies are supposed to be good.

    This can’t be a sandwich because sandwiches are supposed to be good.

    This can’t be a handjob, because handjobs are supposed to be good.

    This can’t be a hanging, because hangings are supposed to be good.

    The idiotic iterations of that sentence are endless, but they can’t be idiotic iterations because idiotic iterations are supposed to be…wait a second.

  9. I see the concept of dry humour escapes some people. I guess all these people who fell asleep because it was boring missed the devastating one liners. Would it have helped you little culty wankers if Bruce Campbell was Wesley, then you may have “got” the humour better. Eesh.

    I do agree the book is way better than the movie – more nuanced. I love it so much I had the wedding scene read at my wedding.

    And…do.not.talk.shit.about.Andre.The.Giant. Fucktards. He’ll come down from whatever drunken sot heaven he is in and crush your skull with one hand.

  10. Ok, I’ve “lurked” this category and have been quietly disagreeing with the “reviews” for too long. Now, that ‘they’ have touched on a completely cinematic nerve of mine, I must express these 4 words:

    Are they kidding? Seriously….???

    Do not mess with the Inigo Montoya! Inconceivable!

    Oh, and Cornjob? – you are my hero. Best. Comment. Ever.

    That is all.

    Back to my lurking…..

  11. heh. Thanks for the recognition Chris. 🙂

    I’ve been a faithful follower (and forwarder…) of your site for several years. Many, many cheers to you, Mrs. C and definitely, most importantly, Cyni-Kitty.

  12. The one who works with children who left what is by far the most…twisted, insane, wrong-minded, worrisome bad review…It concerns me that this person might actually exist and isn’t some prankster being silly.

    “The Princess Bride is about two guys who are in a book and they’re fighting over a princess named Buttercup. But the problem is that one of them is a pirate and the other one is a giant!”

    I mean it’s a challenge to count the number of things wrong with that description. I wonder if he/she watched it with the mute button on. Then you could concievably arrive at that conclusion. Of course, then he/she might have complained about how the movie had no sound. I dunno, baffling.

  13. @Amanda – My wedding ceremony began with the words from the PB wedding scene too.

    I love the idea of “digitally added” ROUS’s. I’m going to have to re-watch the movie and keep an eye out for those….

  14. WOW, I didn’t realize there were so many humorless people out there. Considering this movie is considered a new classic and that most people can recite at least 10 of the lines in the movie…you guys may be missing something. As for the person who says Sean Penn should have starred opposite his wife…that is actually kind of funny. At the time this movie was made Robin Wright was a newly minted actress and did not even KNOW Penn.

    As the movie celebrates its 25th anniversary release, here’s to the Dread Pirate Roberts.

  15. Wow.

    You know – I go on vacation every year with my friend and her family – we always use the lines “Have fun storming the castle” “It’ll take a miracle” whenever we part ways when going home.

    I also CANNOT stop laughing with the “anybody want a peanut” line. Again (I only have one string on this violin) HOW SAD!! I think somehow the word satire was left out of their wee little vocabularies. I am so glad I am not so humourless – I would rather be an idiot if it means I can laugh.

    *sigh*

    Yo uhave me so hooked on looking at the 1 star reviews now.

  16. Man these people crack me up.

    “But the problem is that one of them is a pirate and the other one is a giant!”

    LOL

  17. These comments–all of them– make me want to destroy the world. If you have any amazing violent technology that needs a selfless individual to actuate the destruction, please let me know. I will cut off my penis and balls to destroy earth and all of its inhabitants. Thank you for your time.

  18. Wow. God help the kids who work with that humorless idiot. I think someone should go Ricky Gervais to Karl Pilkington on him/her “What the fuck do you mean all the stories in it are lies? I don’t know what you mean! You’re talking shit! What do you think a story is?!?”

    Come to think of it, I’m sure Karl himself has written a few of these totally mental reviews.

  19. I actually just finished watching this movie (after rave reviews from my friends) And Im sorry to say (like the Notebook) this movie was a major major disappointment to me. It was just…schmaltzy. I did like the male actors because they were some what funny but Buttercup…i mean that name! arg! And she was a complete waste of space. she didnt do much but cry for westly and my gosh it just gets terribly sickening after the first 15 min.

  20. Now that the seed is planted… I often sit and wonder what this film would be like if Sean Penn where in it solving crimes instead of sword fighting. In fact what if Sean Penn where the lead in EVERY film ever made and solving crimes, then surely all films would be 100% better.

    Except all those films that already have Sean Penn in them solving crimes, like in Milk, 21 Grams and I am Sam. In which case they remain just as good as they are.

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