Atheist Finds Nothing in His Toast

I wasn’t that hungry tonight so I just thought I would make some toast when all of a sudden it popped up and I was staring at the face of NOBODY in the toast! NON-HOLY WHITE BREAD! What are the chances of an atheist getting a piece of toast that looks like nothing! Somebody call the media! I haven’t been this shocked since I found the Flying Spaghetti Monster in my vermicelli.

56 comments

  1. Are you sure? Look at the white part on the upper right – it looks like a troll or a gremlin looking at the ground.

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  2. Yeah, well, I believe in astrology and I can clearly see Gemini in the pores on the lower left.

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  3. I would consider offering you money for such an amazing find, but atheists don’t whore out their beliefs like those other “religions”.

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  4. What, are you blind… it’s a Space invader!?
    It’s a sign that we are powerless to stop their relentless attacks.

    100ft to the left,
    Drop 10ft,
    100ft to the right.

    *wimper*

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  5. There is clearly something wrong with the toaster if it can not send images or transmit the ideas it was designed for.Guess you could sell it on EBay to someone in the atheist group who still like true toast.

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  6. Well, you don’t have the toast turned the right direction. Rotate it 90 degrees clockwise and you’ll see frowning Jebus. Okay, his nose is a little stubby. He’s frowning because he is not happy with you, not happy at all.

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  7. Turn the toast over….
    Atheists always only see one side of the story…
    Close minded fascists.
    Never mind the fact that the bread is FROM God,
    you want him to autograph it for you…
    I am not justifying crazy dogma here, but I am also not discounting the real miracles that get me and plenty of others through the day.

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  8. There is a saying I made up 10 seconds ago that goes…
    If you seek God, you find Him everywhere,
    If you seek to mock Him, He will find you…
    or
    I joked away my chance to be saved, and all i got was this lousy piece of toast

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  9. Remy: do you honestly expect this to be a site full of dongs who would listen to your nonsense? I’d make a million jesus jokes if having a sense of humour was guaranteed to un-save me. Who on here wouldn’t?

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  10. Save us from what? Attack of the faces hidden in inanimate objects? Nah, they’re too busy being tolled for people to touch or are sitting on E bay.

    Save us from ourselves? Oh, I read about that in who gives a fuck magazine. I don’t need a “god” to feel good about myself. E for effort though.

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  11. I can’t believe you’ve all missed the mark by such a great length.

    Jesus, being a black man, has refused to show up on white bread anymore. You want Jesus? Toast some pumpernickel.

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  12. C. says “Remy: do you honestly expect this to be a site full of dongs who would listen to your nonsense?”
    -No, you dongs subscribe to your own nonsense.
    I simply think that I have a right to defend my beliefs against your stupid jokes.
    It is interesting to me that you all are so bent on pushing your belief in … whatever it is you believe. nothing or maybe the fact that your limited experience is enough to discount everyone else’s beliefs and to ridicule them.
    The difference is, I don’t need to discount anyone else’s in order to believe mine. You feel the need to try and disprove other peoples beliefs with your “clever” jokes that are based on much less than my faith.

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  13. Remy, I think You’ve got it backwards. It’s up to the Believer to support their beliefs, as than the Atheists and skeptics to disprove your strange belief that there’s a Floating Old guy in the sky, looking after us until we die, then he sends a Metaphysical apparition of ourselves into a burning lake of red custard and Sultanas. 😛

    And on Heaven, hardly any sect agrees on who’se going to get in. Catholic; Need to be Catholic, not Protestant.
    Protestant; Not a baby raper; Need to be Prostestant.

    ~Nelix

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  14. Nelix,
    First, thanks for proving me right about Atheists discounting other peoples beliefs.
    Why don’t you try to prove that the universe created itself from nothing.
    Or tell me how life is created?
    Where do you go when you die?
    What is your reason for existence, and where does your “metaphysical apparition” come from?
    Your lack of belief is based more upon your fear of committing to a belief than a lack of proof. There is an equal lack of proof for the Atheist beliefs, and just as many unanswered questions. I guess I did realize that Atheists do have to have faith to believe that there is no God. Blind faith is faith, nonetheless.

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  15. Remy – I don’t need a better explanation for these things to see that yours is bunk.

    For pedantry’s sake, let’s define bunk as ‘something very unlikely to be true’.

    FWIW, this piece of toast is actually a joke about *the kind of people who find Jesus in their burger and think it important*, since you seem to be feeling attacked.

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  16. Remy-“I simply think that I have a right to defend my beliefs…” Sure, you have the right, but why do you feel the need? If your beliefs are sufficient to satisfy your wordview then why do you feel threatened enough to reply to posts like this where it is patently obvious that your comments will be diametrically opposed to the very premise of the page itself? (shorthand…why are you looking for a fight?)

    -“Why don’t you try to prove that the universe created itself from nothing.” Science does not make this claim…however, God is supposed to have done just that…so again, this premise is yours to prove.

    -“Or tell me how life is created?” With a conservatively estimated one billion-billion planets in the known universe the odds are much more in favor of a natural process creating life.

    -“Where do you go when you die?” Define “you” beyond the physical sense, in tangible terms.

    -“What is your reason for existence…” Reason implies conscious intention. The only place conscious intention could come from in this context is a deity of some sort. Therefore reason is irrelevant without evidence of a “reasoner”.

    -“…where does your “metaphysical apparition” come from?” Metaphysical, by definition, is speculative, incorporeal, abstract, or supernatural, so there is no basis to answer this question.

    Heavy sigh….the old “faith to be an Atheist” and “you’re just afraid” gambit. I fully expect to hear from Mr. Pascal next. Atheism is an absence of belief. You can’t have “faith” in a things absence and there is certainly nothing blind about it. This is a claim the religious community cannot make.

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  17. Ahh boys(or girls)
    I don’t feel attacked. I just enjoys a nice animated debate.
    I was joking in my first post(at least being sarcastic), and that put a few folks on the defensive. example – I said “turn the toast over…” – I was not really trying to say I actually believe Jesus is on the other side.
    But when people want to get all riled up and start inferring I am a “dong” and what I say is nonsense… well I will take it as far as you want to take it.
    And Metaphysical in this conversation I believe was referring to the “supernatural” definition, which is something originating from outside of the physical realm.
    And who made these odds about the chances of a natural process creating life? The key term in that sentence is “estimated”
    You show me a billion billion planets and I will show you God, deal?
    The definition of “you” would be the metaphysical representation of your consciousness which is present in a living being and absent from a dead one.
    And Science does make that claim, (universe from nothing)they also claim that energy cannot be created or destroyed, and a lot of other totally conflicting “laws”
    So, in summary, I am not looking for a fight, just a dialogue, and if you “cynical” dongs can’t handle the heat, turn off the toaster.

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  18. I’m agnostic about the presence of a divine image on this toast, since I believe that it is impossible to know what is on the other side of the toast.

    Was this toast created? or did it slowly evolve from white bread, cooked by background radiation?

    Was this toast created by god, since such a complex combination of ingredients could not have occurred randomly? or does the evidence of the loaf wrapper and receipt from the local supermarket indicate a very different origin?

    Oh wait! Maybe this is the ‘Virgin Toast’, that did not come from a loaf!

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  19. Don’t tell me you can’t clearly see in that piece of toast an image of an elderly lady wearing glasses and a big smile pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash to a plane chartered for Aukland!

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  20. Wow. The world is so complex that there must be a creator? Right? I don’t get it. Is the creator not complex? Does the creator require a creator? If so, who created the creator’s creator? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

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  21. You all are simply looking at it wrong. If you kind of stare “past” the toast – like you’re looking out a window – for a few moments, the very clear three-dimensional image of Ba’al (today’s God of the Day) will appear. Can’t guarantee who will be on tomorrow, but you should probably check back to find out.

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  22. Remy-

    I don’t believe it was the “Turn the toast over” line they were attacking, so much the whole “Athiests only see one side of the story, close-minded fascists.” Needless to say, I could see some relation between the two, but you’ll forgive me if I don’t exactly see the latter to be in jest. Like, at all. People don’t tend to laugh heartily at being called close-minded fascists. In fact, that’s the sort of thing that inspires people to call you a dong.

    I also fail to understand how Atheists would have a metaphysical apparition. You must understand that Atheism is purely scientific and realistic, rather than believing in ghosts and wizards and fairies and the like. I know this can be hard for you to understand, so please try to follow along. We have no creator, nor do we have souls.

    What we have are brain synapses that command the things we do and say. The patterns of which, of course, forming our personalities and mannerisms. They are, essentially, piloting our bodies as though they were mere vessels for supporting and transporting the brain (which they are, indeed). When we die, the brain ceases to function, as do we. That’s it. When you die, it is exactly as before you were born and before your brain had been properly formed.

    Also, for the record, a billion billions are, as it turns out, quite good odds that at least one planet would be able to sustain life. The fact is, however, that you’ll never be able to see a billion billion planets in your lifetime. It seems you’re greatly underestimating that number. I’d like you to take some time to try and figure out just how big that is.

    Imagine Earth. Earth is 1. Now, imagine 100 Earths. Now, Imagine 10 groups of 100 Earths, which would be 1,000. Now, I’d like you to imagine one thousand thousands of Earths. This would be one million of them. Keep going until you hit one billion, then imagine that a billion times more. Keep going over this until the grandeur of it makes an impact on you.

    Also, I would like for you to drop the “eager for a rousing conversation” charade. You jumped into an Athiest blog preaching the word of the gospel and of the phony miracles that “get you through the day” (by the way, having to rely on fairytales to get you through the day is not a sign of strength) and, realizing you’d gone over your head, began to play the victim. You seemed quite surprised that everyone was ganging up on you. Could it have had anything to do with where you chose to preach?

    Now, of course, you’re trying to play it cool and make it seem like you’re in control. In that, you also seem to be attempting to hide your defenselessness. Were I you, I’d just give it up and walk away. Nobody here knows who you are, nor would they care if you backed off. I know pride can be a tough thing to fight, especially for Christ Warriors, but I’d honestly consider it a good idea in your situation.

    Good luck fighting the “good fight” wherever you may go. I’ll no longer be perusing these comments after posting this, but feel free to shout at a brick wall in my absence.

    – Jonny

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  23. It would be funny if atheist saw Jesus in the toast… maybe they could pretend its Paul Bunyan or James Hetfield… but that wouldn’t get them as much money on ebay if it was Jesus… LuLz

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  24. Our toaster
    Who art in the kitchen
    Hallowed be thy little heating elements

    Thy toasting done
    Thee drops thy crumbs
    In the tray underneath the spring-loaded ejector mechanism

    Pop up this day our daily toast
    And lead us not into using butter and other high-cholesterol spreads
    For thine is the chrome and the knob and the 20 amp power supply
    Until the timer goes off
    Amen.

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  25. Jonny
    Well, having set the tone with the turn the toast over thing as sarcasm, I figured it would carry through. Guess not.
    And I did not bring up the metaphysical apparition, it was one of the atheists.
    And you have to understand that believing in god does not amount to believing in wizards or faeries. Unless you are Wiccan.
    Also, as I have a concept of God, I think I have a pretty good handle on a billion billions. I have every confidence that God would not waste his time making all of these planets and having Earth be the only one with intelligent life.
    And your brain synapse theory has a few BIG holes, which is probably why you won’t come back to continue our “rousing conversation”
    And the fact that you believe our bodies are to carry our brains, and our brain synapses are what makes us alive, yet go no further than that is pretty sad. If the “who is your creator’s creator, question is valid, then so is the “what makes your brain synapses function?” question. (By the way, I never discounted that my creator had a creator, it makes sense to me that he could.) You, my friend are just another Flat World Theorist believing in only what you see and having no faith in what you can’t. So feel free to drop some witty yet superficial comments and leave so you don’t have to actually answer to them, and I will be here, but that is o.k., because I know more folks will come along to take up the thread. And besides, you can’t help it, since it is simply your “brain synapses”, which are apparently caused by nothing, forcing you to bravely high tail it.
    I however, stay because of my free will, and my love of toast.
    BTW good poem Joe.

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  26. So, according to you Remy (a CHRISTIAN), Jonny (and atheists) are just “FLAT-EARTH-theorists”?

    Sorry, just had to comment on it, didn’t I? *slaps oneself in the face with a piece of toast*

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  27. OMG! A toaster that isn’t rigged! The honest people of the world who aren’t concerned with selling a burnt piece of bread on ebay REBEL!!

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  28. Oh, WAIT!!! I get it.
    Since God is not on the toast, he really doesn’t exist!
    Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll here I come!!!

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  29. i think its funny that remmy is in here of all places preachin if you would like a smart debate im down if not whatever god still does not exist

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