I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don’t shut up

Another shot fired in the War of the Toilet Seat.

I have been told the exact same reason for all of this from every girl who has screamed at me for it and it has got to be one of the stupidest admissions that I have ever heard in my entire life.

“We don’t always look before we sit down, and sometimes at night we don’t even turn on the light.”

This is a deficiency. This admission, made almost with pride, says two things to me:

1. I make unwarranted assumptions.
2. I am militantly unaware of my environment.

So as a male, apparently I am expected to make up for this deficiency by making sure that the lid is always left in the correct position. In the interest of not falling into the toilet and/or urinating on myself, I always make sure to look before I sit down. I find the concept of “not looking” interesting. How exactly does one not see the condition of the toilet before sitting on it? The only solutions I have been able to come up with on my own (since females seem uninterested or unable to tell me) are these:

1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.

Comments

34 Comments so far. Leave a comment below.
  1. Jocelyn,

    I gave up the toliet seat argument long ago. It doesn’t kill us ladies to check before we sit and we certainly won’t catch cooties from touching the lid. Sure, I’ve nearly fallen in when I’ve made late night trips(I don’t turn on the lights…too bright). My big pet peeve is when my boy friend, ahem, misses the target….How on earth do guys miss a giant white bowl?

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  2. Phundit,

    We don’t turn on the light either.

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  3. twintigress,

    I say you can solve the problem by putting both the seat and the lid down. Everyone can do it. It’s not hard and…that’s why there’s a lid, right?

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  4. McGee,

    “How on earth do guys miss a giant white bowl?”

    Just to prove we can.

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  5. Ryan,

    Yeah, the toilet seat issue has always struck me as ridiculous. Fortunately, my wife is wise enough to trust her eyes and not her ass to find the toilet, so this has never been an issue for us. I, in turn, make sure I’m pissing into the bowl and not all over the toilet seat left in the “hers” position. Works out well.

    With ex-girlfriends who made a big deal about the whole toilet seat thing, though, I insisted on the only fair way to handle this issue: whoever uses the toilet must close the lid when they are finished. That way, nobody gets away with having the toilet seat left “their” way, and everyone has to perform an action to “reset” the toilet for the next person.

    I love my wife.

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  6. Meg,

    Maybe I’m just a freak but I inspect that toilet seat for any drop of pee or hair before I put my ass on it. No trouble at all.

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  7. Laura,

    I also subscribe to the closed-lid theory because of one thing: “faecal aerosols”. I think that should end all argument.
    Incidentally, they apparently traced all initial outbreaks of SARS to an apartment building in China where the airborne particles- spewed into the air by the toilet flushing- travelled through the ventilation system and was pumped through the building next door.

    Ewww…..

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  8. “I also subscribe to the closed-lid theory because of one thing: “faecal aerosols”. I think that should end all argument.
    Incidentally, they apparently traced all initial outbreaks of SARS to an apartment building in China where the airborne particles- spewed into the air by the toilet flushing- travelled through the ventilation system and was pumped through the building next door.”

    Yup. Gross. Lid down.

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  9. LL,

    I also go for the lid down when done approach because of fecal aerosols. I found it also stops the whole female argument before it starts (not that my wife is that petty, but past girlfriends were). However the biggest advantage is avoiding the wet cat prints on the seat from when the stupid cat gets in there to drink. If someone forgets the lid the cat gets in there, must slip his front paws into the water, drinks, and then walks on the seat with wet paws.

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  10. outeast,

    they apparently traced all initial outbreaks of SARS to … airborne particles- spewed into the air by the toilet flushing

    This is inaccurate, although I’ve found news articles which have suggested as much. Bats are the most likely original reservoir for the SARS-causing pathogen, with civets as the most likely bridge to humans.

    You are referring to the Amoy Gardens outbreak: this was not the ‘initial outbreak’ but a single isolated incident where plumbing deficiencies led to droplets of water contaminated with infected sewage coming into direct contact with individuals (and even then, this was just one identified vector of infection, along with person-to-person contact etc.) Airborne particles were specifically excluded as a source of transmission. You can read a report on the Amoy Gardens incident here.

    I’m not an epidemiologist, so don’t take this as gospel, but AFAIK airborne fecal coliform bacteria from flushing toilets are not a significant cause of disease – you’re far more at risk of infection from shaking hands, handling money, using door handles, holding stair rails, etc etc.

    When it comes to fecal coliforms from open toilets, there’s a major yuk factor – but that’s all. In normal circumstances, there’s little or no risk.

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  11. outeast,

    Damn. Where’d my comment go?

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  12. LL,

    It was flushed ;)

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  13. Damn. Where’d my comment go?

    Went straight to the spam bin for some reason. I jumped in to the muck to rescue it though.

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  14. outeast,

    Thank you. Hope you didn’t catch SARS.

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  15. @5 awww…

    @7 ewww…

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  16. FlamingAtheist,

    The 2.5 seconds it takes me to either raise or lower the seat is easier than a debate on leaving it up or down, plus it’s a general courtesy for me.
    “How on earth do guys miss a giant white bowl?”
    I’m 6’5″ – that’s a lot of distance to reach a toilet from altitude, velocity splash is inevitable!

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  17. I’m a lid-down kind of a gal. But with hubby and a 4 year old son, that doesn’t always happen. Hell, just getting the 4 year old to flush is a chore. It’s not worth a fight, either way. On a side note, I think all women should think before they pick stupid fights like that. Any time I get irritated by something really lame, I stop and think to myself “is this worth a fight?”. 99.9% of the time, it’s not.

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  18. I started the habit of closing the lid when I read about fecal aerosols, and how you should store toothbrushes away from the toilet because of it. The lid also helps keep out small children and animals.

    Alas, I don’t have to concern myself with the male aim problem.

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  19. Oh yeah, before we remodeled the bathroom, the ONLY electrical outlet was right above the toilet, and it wasn’t anchored to the wall too well. A very good reason to keep the toilet lid down.

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  20. Debbe,

    Having been married with two stepsons (total: 3 males leaving the seat up), I learned early on to check before I sit (feeling beneath me if in the dark). It’s never really bothered me to do so. However, what DOES bother me is, in public ladies’ room, to encounter a wet seat where some paranoid lovely has squatted several inches above the seat lest her precious parts get contaminated and yet wasn’t considerate enough to wipe it off afterwards!!

    In general, my own gender p!$$es me off far worse than the opposite one…

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  21. michael,

    i’ve always had my own bathroom or lived in huge sharehouses where seats up or down were not an issue, but regarding “missing a giant white bowl,” i have to say that you girls just don’t understand unless you actually SEE us peeing.

    especially peeing after we’ve jerked off, when parts of the urethra are caked shut, i’ve literally had the urine shoot straight down at my feet in two or three separate streams. of course i don’t want to piss on my feet, sometimes my pee nozzle just catches us me surprise and shoots somewhere else. usually i clean it up anyway (by wiping my feet on the dog as I leave), but i sometimes miss a spot because I don’t turn on the lights in the middle of the night (trying to save electricity).

    and until you’ve had to urinate with a pee-boner, you ladies have no right criticizing us for missing. in fact i find it quite amazing that as much urine gets in there as it does when i pee with an erection.

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  22. peach,

    Why don’t the men just sit down to pee? It can’t be that difficult. And it would reduce the splash factor.

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  23. Seth,

    How small are these asses that are falling into toilets? I’ve never understood that, maybe because I spread my legs to sit and give myself some extra surface area.

    The fear of falling in would have me checking all the time.

    The cats help keep our toilet seats down or the doors closed.

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  24. deepsea33,

    @peach–
    We don’t sit down because we don’t have to! =)

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  25. Phil,

    I sit down sometimes if I am so unbelievably hungover that I am not sure what is coming out of where.

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  26. Hugh,

    Did some consulting work for a spring manufacture once, they were small enough that they had only one unisex restroom in the office area.

    To stop the bitching they spring loaded the thing to go to the erect position when not in use.

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  27. peach,

    Phil -You sound so attractive.

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  28. Angry Sam,

    http://www.msu.edu/~choijay/etiquette.pdf

    This excellent economic paper argues for the selfish rule – put it up if you need it up, put it down if you need it down.

    On another note, opening a door for a woman is considered a gentlemanly, if semi-outdated, way of being extra nice. Why is putting the toilet seat down considered mandatory by so many humans with two X chromasomes?

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  29. Rick,

    “Why don’t the men just sit down to pee?”

    I am a recent convert to this. Feeling the urine mist sprayback on my legs while wearing shorts did it.

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  30. carolyn,

    I have lived 43 years with Fecol aerosols apparantely floating around my bathroom. and landing on my toothbrush. How sick can it make you, really? I have never read a newspaper article that said, “another victim of fecal aerosols dies”

    If you are OCD about everything, you will have a very sad, boring and sick life. The more you try to avoid germs the more suceptible you are to them.

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  31. Will,

    Re: men sitting down to pee. That’s definitely a pansy move. We are equipped to pee standing up. Probably some evolutionary thing, whereby we could run away faster from some saber-toothed tiger, or whatever else was trying to eat us, because we were standing. Standing is significaly more manly than sitting.

    Personally, I’m so masculine that I even SHIT standing up.

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  32. Will,

    That was a joke, btw. I’m a full-time sitter, at home at least. I’ve found that it’s an all-around superior method. Better flow, cleaner finish, no splash. Plus, it’s just easier.

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  33. Rick,

    @will

    Not sure about the evolutionary logic; seems like natural selection would have eliminated the 8-hr prone sleep position before turning its unyielding eye to making water.

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  34. Brendan,

    @angry sam: I have the very same question. Why is it certain things such as holding the door open or pulling the seat back are considered outdated?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0


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