I will REMOVE the fucking toilet seat if you don’t shut up

Another shot fired in the War of the Toilet Seat.

I have been told the exact same reason for all of this from every girl who has screamed at me for it and it has got to be one of the stupidest admissions that I have ever heard in my entire life.

“We don’t always look before we sit down, and sometimes at night we don’t even turn on the light.”

This is a deficiency. This admission, made almost with pride, says two things to me:

1. I make unwarranted assumptions.
2. I am militantly unaware of my environment.

So as a male, apparently I am expected to make up for this deficiency by making sure that the lid is always left in the correct position. In the interest of not falling into the toilet and/or urinating on myself, I always make sure to look before I sit down. I find the concept of “not looking” interesting. How exactly does one not see the condition of the toilet before sitting on it? The only solutions I have been able to come up with on my own (since females seem uninterested or unable to tell me) are these:

1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.

Satanic Wedding

From Wikipedia:

In the first year of its foundation, Anton LaVey and the Church of Satan attracted considerable media attention by publicly performing a Satanic marriage of Judith Case and radical journalist John Raymond. The ceremony was photographed by Joe Rosenthal, who took the famous photograph Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima during World War II.

George Lucas’ Dickipedia Entry

Lucas’ Dickipedia entry is wonderfully snarky (and a terrific blog post filler on a slow day)

George Walton Lucas, Jr. (born May 14, 1944) is an Academy Award-nominated—the operative word being “nominated”—producer, director, screenwriter, and dick. He is both the creator and destroyer of the Star Wars saga, though it remains to be seen just how much he’ll ruin Indiana Jones before he dies. Nonetheless, with a net worth approaching 4 billion Galactic Standard Credits, Lucas is one of the American film industry’s most financially successful independent dicks.

Somehow the first Star Wars movie eventually became the fourth Star Wars movie, when, twenty years after the fact, Lucas began releasing new episodes and awkwardly inserting them at the beginning. Still, the entire Star Wars saga ranks as the most financially successful film series of all time. In this way, it suffers from what experts call “The Simpsons Effect,” in which a once groundbreaking creative enterprise gets merchandised within an inch of its life, thus forcing it to stick around long after it stops being good, if only for the lucrative Burger King tie-ins.

For his work on Star Wars, Lucas is credited with several major innovations in filmmaking, most importantly the use of digital effects to add one or two minor cosmetic adjustments to a film already several decades in the can—like slightly sweeter explosions, and blood dripping from the ice planet Hoth’s snow monster’s mouth—that justify releasing a whole new DVD collection every two years. He is also responsible for developing the ball-rattlingly loud modern sound systems found in many movie theaters.