Cynical Mailbox

I get letters. From Wil T. Flowers:

I just thought that I would let you know (although, you’ve probably heard) that your writing is very amateur. Your editing is poor and you website is very poorly thrown together. I hope you don’t dedicate too much of your time to this site, because I’m afraid you fail at life if you do. Got broken links? Spell check is also associated with most text applications these days…the red underline isn’t a congratulations on using a big word.

God bless you anyway…

Sincerely,
A Better Human Being

Here’s a hint. When you email someone complaining about their editing, you probably should make sure that your letter doesn’t contain any grammatical mistakes or typos. (“and you website is very poorly…”)

Time to update the old Testimonials page.

The Advanced Dungeons & Dragons Book of Sex

I don’t know what’s more compelling, the sex spells (kiss of wounding or power word, castrate) or rolling a 1d8 to see what kind of std i’ve picked up from an orc.

There comes a time in an adventurer’s life when he/she wants to engage in the act of sex. Unfortunately, the DM’s Guide and Player’s Handbook avoid the subject for obvious reasons. A player rolls dice from pottery to dancing, so why not sex.

At first glance, it may seem that a character can have sex for quite a long time. This is true for player characters. They have superior attributes and thus can perform better (that’s why they’re great adventurers). However, an average character would have attributes between 7-12. Using the below rules, an average character (9 in all attributes) could go a minimum of 9 minutes (rounds) and might be able to go an additional 9 minutes if very, very luck (dice deities willing, but don’t bet on it).

Some DM’s may feel that certain races should be more adept at sex than others. Many arguments can be made for every race. The one race that most people feel should have modifiers is the dwarf race. However, since theses rules are based on constitution and since initial character generation gives bonus or penalties to Constitution (dwarves get +1), it is not necessary to give additional modifiers to race.

The following is the steps to go through to see if a character can continue having sex:

1. A character can initially last a minimum of rounds equal to his/her constitution with certain modifiers. Table 1 lists modifiers to constitution by dexterity (remember: it’s how you use it). Table 2 lists modifiers to constitution by strength (gotta be able to keep up). Table 3 lists modifiers to constitution by the partner’s charisma (charismatic partners really enhance sex, even if their comeliness isn’t high). If he/she wishes to continue, then he/she must make constitution checks (Step 2).

2. After the initial rounds pass, the character must make a constitution check for each round he/she wishes to continue. Modifiers to this check are from Table 1 and Table 2 And Table 3, plus cumulative modifier of -1. The character also needs to make a time to climax (TTC) check. A 1 on a 1d6 for males and a 1 on a 1d10 for women indicates such an occurrence. An additional TTC roll is made and a result of 1 indicates multiple orgasms (keep rolling while 1s come up). Of course, males could have trouble continuing after this, but the player can make such decisions.

3. A failed check means the character lost interest for whatever reason.

NOTE: In most cases it take two to tango, so remember to keep track of all participates.