Get Cynical

Prepare your insulin shots before watching this one.

(via Andy’s Blog)

Bill ‘the Beast’ Donohue’s whiny Catholic League strikes again:

LOS ANGELES – Before Kathy Griffin won a creative arts Emmy last weekend for her reality show, “My Life on the D-List,” she joked that an award would move her to the C-list. She was right: “C” as in censored. The TV academy said her raucous acceptance speech will be
edited when the event, which was taped, is shown Saturday on the E! channel.

“Kathy Griffin’s offensive remarks will not be part of the E! telecast on Saturday night,” the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences said in a statement Monday.

In her speech, Griffin said that “a lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus.”

She went on to hold up her Emmy, make an off-color remark about Christ and proclaim, “This award is my god now!”

The comedian’s remarks were condemned Monday by Catholic League President Bill Donohue, who called them a “vulgar, in-your-face brand of hate speech.”

The so-called off-color remark which Yahoo didn’t print was “Suck it Jesus.”

The Catholic League, an anti-defamation group, called on the TV academy to “denounce Griffin’s obscene and blasphemous comment” at Sunday’s ceremony.

Suck it Jesus is not a blasphemous comment if it is made by somebody who doesn’t believe that there is a god. If you are an atheist, it is impossible for you to commit blasphemy goddamn it! And besides that, when did the Catholic League become the leader and voice of Christians everywhere? Hell, the Catholic League isn’t even the voice of Catholics.

Google the words “Bill Donohue” and “hate speech” to see that is his modus operandi. He finds a high profile example of somebody not bowing to his particular deity (any other seems to be find) and accuses them of “hate speech” in a press release. It’s getting quite boring but it still is effective.

Oh, and Suck it Jesus.

In March of 2001 Fox TV aired Episode One of a new show spun-off from The X-Files. In the first episode of this new show, The Lone Gunmen, an inside faction of the government posing as terrorists hijacks a 727 by remote control. They do this because the cold war is over they need an excuse for war to increase arm sales. They target the World Trade Center, but their plot is foiled at the last minute.

Lee Mercer is running for President of the United States in 2008 and has listed 70 reasons why you should vote for him.

9. To prove that every person in the United States and world is hooked up on an Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Electronic surveillance hot-wires approved by the United States Congress for the U.S. Government Electronic Surveillance of every citizen in America for government intelligence circumstances will equal to the United States Government’s Technocracy.

34. To Prove the government owes me Zillions of Dollars in money and is refraining to pay me and my business Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

49. To Prove the United States Government killed my sex life, my wife sex life, my daughter-in –laws sex life both may sons and other of my family members sex life with Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.

Old but first time I’ve seen it.

(via Metafilter)

Hysterical!

At one point, my Mother decided that I needed to be baptized. At first I was a little nervous, but the other kids who had been previously baptized assured me that it was no big deal. According to them, everyone would just go down into the basement where they had this big bathtub/pool sort of thing set up. Then Reverend Bud and I would go out into the middle of it, pray a little, and then he’d duck me under real quick. When I came up out of the water, I was supposed to hold my hands up and pray some more. Afterwards, everyone would come over to hug me and congratulate me. Piece of cake.

The day of my baptismal went almost exactly like this, except the kids had forgotten to relay to me one very pertinent piece of information: the water in the tub was fucking freezing. When I came up out of the water, hands obediently raised in the air, my teeth were chattering from the cold. The tub was also under a vent and the air conditioning was on full blast, so when the breeze hit me, my entire body started shivering uncontrollably.

“Look!” someone finally yelled, “V has got the Holy Ghost!”

I didn’t have the Holy Ghost. I was just fucking cold, but such a jubilant cheer burst forth from the crowd that I felt I had no choice but to go with it.

(Thanks PVC)

Science teaches that that which really is has always been, that behind every effect is the efficient and necessary cause, that there is in the universe neither chance nor interference, and that energy is eternal. Day by day the authority of the theologian grows weaker and weaker. As the people become intelligent they care less for preachers and more for teachers. Their confidence in knowledge, in thought and investigation increases. They are eager to know the discoveries, the useful truths, the important facts made, ascertained and demonstrated by the explorers in the domain of the natural. They are no longer satisfied with the platitudes of the pulpit, and the assertions of theologians. They are losing confidence in the “sacred Scriptures” and in the protecting power and goodness of the supernatural. They are satisfied that credulity is not a virtue and that investigation is not a crime.

Robert Green Ingersoll – “Myth and Miracle”(1885)