Pastor Ted Wrapup

Looks like Pastor Ted has been officially fired for “sexual immoral conduct” (I guess doing something illegal like buying methamphetamines is ok) so we should see him going into rehab anyday now and reemerge a changed man, closer to god than ever before. Unless he was serious when he said this:

Ok Ted, should we still play by the bible’s rules?

So what is there to learn from Pastor Ted’s gaping hypocrisy? Mark Driscoll who is another evangelical was kind enough to post on his blog some tips for young pastors.

My suspicion is that as our culture becomes more sexually rebellious, things will only get worse. Therefore, as a means of encouragement, I would like to share some practical suggestions for fellow Christian leaders, especially young men:

Let it rip Mark.

Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either.

So blame your fat ugly wife for your indiscretions. Got it. Next one.

Pastors should have their office at the church and their study at home. There is no reason a pastor should be sitting alone at the church at odd hours (e.g., early morning and late evening) to study when anyone can drop in for any reason and have access to him…

Some years ago when I did not, I found that lonely people, some of them hurting single moms wanting a strong man to speak into their life, would show up to hang out and catch time with me.

Ok good one. Hide from your congregation so that they don’t accidentally fall onto your penis.

Pastors have the right to protect their own home. This means that if someone keeps dropping by unannounced and is unwelcome, or a flirtatious woman shows up to a Bible study at the pastor’s home, the pastor and his family have the right to request that they never return.

Hmmmm, seems to be more christian groupies out there than I thought.

Churches should consider returning to heterosexual male assistants who are like Timothy and Titus to serve alongside pastors. Too often the pastor’s assistant is a woman who, if not sexually involved, becomes too emotionally involved with the pastor as a sort of emotional and practical second wife. I have been blessed with a trustworthy heterosexual male assistant who can travel with me, meet with me, etc., without the fear of any temptations or even false allegations since we have beautiful wives and eight children between us.

I guess you get into trouble with the homosexual male assistants with their massages, methamphetamines and constant sodomy.

Pastors must not travel alone; the anonymity and fatigue of the road is too great a temptation for many men. A pastor should take his wife, an older child, an assistant, or fellow leader with him. If this cannot be afforded then travel should not be undertaken.

Have you noticed a theme here? Basically if a pastor isn’t around his heterosexual male assistants or fat ugly wife he should be chained to his crucifix deep in the bowels of his home office or he will become a whoring-mongering adulterating junkie sodomite like the good Pastor Ted.

And people still wonder why I’m an atheist…

16 Comments

  1. wow, I guess as a traveling man I have more control than these fellows. I have yet to have the urge to “whore it up” when on the road. Maybe it’s just respect and love that keeps me happy. Hmmmm. great post

  2. I feel sick that Ted has done this. I feel sick because I know it makes Christianity bad. It hurts all of us who are Christians when someone gives us a bad name. Let me just say though that Jesus is not dependent on Ted Haggard, Ted Haggard is dependent on Jesus. Any Christian who knows himself well enough will tell you that he is not perfect, that is why he needs Christ’s forgiveness for the bad things he has done. Just because Ted Haggard was this way does not mean all Christians are this way. But more importantly Jesus is not this way. Jesus founded the gospel 2000 years before Ted Haggard, and Ted Haggard is not at all the face of Christianity. Oh and one other thing, the media needs to stop making this a campaign issue. Ted Haggard has met with Bush every now and then, but he has never affiliated himself with Bush or even endorsed Republican candidates. He is a religious figure, not a political figure.

  3. Jake, what you need to realize is that this isn’t some isolated incident. High profile religious figures (primarily in Christian churches) are found guilty of the worst kinds of crimes almost routinely. Hiring hit men, murder, pedophilia, drugs, kidnapping and torture… the list continues.

    What you need to realize is that Christianity itself isn’t an embarrassment, it’s the followers. You either have guys like Haggard that consistently give a “do as I say, but not as I do” example, or you have people that believe whatever they’re told and never actually think about it. They believe that God will never steer them wrong because they have faith. Well guess what? If you let go of the wheel, you’re going to have a rude awakening.

    Think of it this way. The American flag represents the “home of the free” and everything great about this country… but one glance at the country itself and you’ll see it’s not exactly true. Lots and lots of foreigners hate America and don’t see the flag as something positive. Now take the Cross… Love thy neighbor, and do unto others… great advice, but that’s not how non-Christians see it. They see Ted Haggard and pedophile priests.

  4. Hi Jake! It’s really sweet of you to try and defend ol’ Pastor Ted, but I have to call you out on a couple things:

    1) Jake sez: “Oh and one other thing, the media needs to stop making this a campaign issue. Ted Haggard has met with Bush every now and then, but he has never affiliated himself with Bush or even endorsed Republican candidates.”

    Americano sez: Bull fucking shit. Ted is (was) the #1 cheerleader of GOP social causes here in Colorado and an influential voice to millions more around the country with his media machine. Ted Haggard was Bush’s Billy Graham, one of his closest “spiritual” advisors, who up until a few days ago had WEEKLY conference call meetings with Bush staffers and many times Bush himself, and who has visited the White House on more than one occasion. Ted Haggard was responsible for championing Bush’s and the GOP’s conservative causes, especially concerning bans on gay marriage and legal rights for same sex couples. Imagine that, Jake, Pastor Ted campaigning tirelessly for constitutional amendments defining marriage as a holy bond between one woman and one man, all the while sucking cock and buying meth from a gay prostitute.

    2) Jake sez: “Any Christian who knows himself well enough will tell you that he is not perfect, that is why he needs Christ’s forgiveness for the bad things he has done”

    Americano sez: Jake, he needs more than Christ’s forgiveness, he needs our forgiveness, and that might be a while. For years, we liberals have been portrayed as irrational, demonically possesed barking moonbats who hate our troops, hate the family, hate free enterprise, hate freedom, and hate America, and those slanderous ideas have been drilled into tens of millions of people’s brains in very subtle and not-so-subtle ways be people like Ted Haggard and his ilk. You say he’s not perfect? NO SHIT! WHAT A FUCKING REVELATION, JAKE! It sure would be hard to be perfect when you’re sucking so much cock while you bash gays and liberals, wouldn’t it? And sucking cock and taking meth ain’t even the beginning of the “bad things he’s done”, Jake. IT’S THE HYPOCRACY, STUPID! GET IT? GET IT?

    Have a great day, Jake!

  5. What you need to realize is that Christianity itself isn’t an embarrassment, it’s the followers.

    All religion is an embarassment to anyone who has outgrown the need for it.

  6. This is of course very easy to make fun of, and Ted deserves it, yes. I will just ignore commenters like firstgrader Schmoo who thinks he has outgrown religion … very grown-up indeed!

    The hypocrisy of the story is incredible, and Americano is absolutely right to attack followers who never think for themselves. And Ted Haggard had a greater responsibility just because he was the leader for a lot of people here, and he failed miserably in the worst kind of way. He gets what he deserves, and even the Bible will tell you so … he’ll be judged tenfold as hard as anyone else. You could just see it coming a long time.

    But do take into account that this happens to atheists as well, maybe even more so. With all respect, I do not think that most commenters here have faced the same kind of seductions as most ‘important people’. And to add to that: most atheist politicians and people in power have seen these seductions as well, and failed horribly. Very horribly indeed, to the point where the president of the USA wasn’t able to lead this country because of a girl running around the oval office. Let alone all the criminal stuff going on in government for self-profit … do I hear “oil business?”

    The guidelines for young pastors aren’t that stupid to control your mind in a country that has gone absolutely crazy starting with all the liberal ideas from the 60’s. The US spends more money on porn than is budgetted for international development aid … ! Talk about screwed up.

    In the end, christians, with all their flaws, are still pretty much keeping the country together. Who are the non-complaining, average people that simply do their jobs, don’t go out drinking and breaking stuff on the weekends, and give a pretty big chunk of their earnings to good causes like Amnesty, Greenpeace and whatever? Yessir, the non-fundemantal, non-blabbing, non-hatespreading christians in the country. And there’s a lot of them, thank God. They also have some very good moral viewpoints about how to live your life in a good way. No need to dismiss them: you, as an atheist, are profiting big time. They provide the base on which you stand.

    And they may as well be right, too!

  7. Not making fun of Ted and HIS people,more on the disgusting side of hypocrites.Glad the president had him on his side and not some staight woman.Probaly taught him the way to tell lies and hide from the truth,maybe even how to torture without sinning.Glad Bush turned to Rush Limbag for help in his fight against those faking disease’s,Rush has good advice on jailing those drug addicts too.Yeah he surronds him self with good people,Folley,Delay,Ney.You seen his one finger salute he called a ‘Victory Salute’damn CNN wasn’t suppose to show that.Oh so much to learn,maybe how to wear longjohns year round to protect from the devil,or put a cross/bible on things as idols,maybe statues help?Yeah those’christians’are saving the world.Like the 85% Lutherian Germany in 1930’s that gave the world their ‘christian’leader?I read somewhere sheep follow the voice of the true herder,so what happens if you got sheep following a false one?guess they were not sheep after all just making noise’s like one.

  8. Who are the non-complaining, average people that simply do their jobs, don’t go out drinking and breaking stuff on the weekends, and give a pretty big chunk of their earnings to good causes like Amnesty, Greenpeace and whatever? Yessir, the non-fundemantal, non-blabbing, non-hatespreading christians in the country.

    But maybe these people be like that anyway without christianity. Maybe it’s in their nature, morals and reasonable behaviour might come from instinct and genetics and not from a book. I have never read the bible? Does that mean I am without morals?

  9. @ Paul: Good question! You’re not without morals if you don’t read the bible, there is no causal effect there. Return question: If I’m not an atheist, does that mean I’m stupid or childish?

    Some here would answer yes (they already did in this little thread above here), and so logically they would also argue that you are without morals for not reading the bible. Same reasoning there. Shows you how wrong everyone can be. Atheists AND christians alike.

    But to return to the people that simply DO the work here: yes, maybe they would also be the hard workers if they weren’t christians. But we’ll never know, will we? Because these people chose to accept God. So here we have a large number of very sane people who are worthy of a lot of respect, and they chose to believe in a god! Must be worth something … it could be genes, but you possibly cannot argue that all of them are stupid, all of them do not think for themselves, all of them don’t know a thing about science. Heck, a lot of them ARE scientists! And prize-winners too.

  10. Was interested enough in Taco’s reply to looks some stuff up. On this page (http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/population/) at the bottom of the page, there is an Excel table with some rudimentary relision by population data. I was looking primarily to see if the us is “mostly” Christian (alas yes) but the percentage of people willing to identify themselves as non-Christian is changing at a greater rate over the decade studied. Other changes I find amusing: being Born Again is so not the in thing; more people are wanting to be non-denominational; and where are aall the Jews going? 🙁

    But I must disagree with Taco on other grounds. Is the nation of, say, India, all lawless and anarchic because most of its people hasn’t accepted God or Jesus? The same non-complaining, etc. etc. people that hold up India do it NOT because of religion, but because they are reasonable people with reasonable standards of behaviour and a desire to live well for themselves as well as others. It doesn’t follow that Christians hold your country together, if we can see that other countries (yes, even Islamic ones) hold themselves together as well. I don’t feel that religion even begins to come into it.

  11. I just find it comical that the whole point of the Reformation was the idea that you didn’t need to go thru anyone or anything to get to God. That everyone had access to God individually. So what happened? Evangelical leaders decided, let’s have people show up in congregations and pay dues to listen to us self annointed spiritual intermediaries just like it was always done.

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