Get Cynical

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so “profound” that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

South Park has exacted revenge on its former star Isaac Hayes by turning his character Chef into a paedophile and seemingly killing him off.

The opening episode of the 10th series, screened in the US on Wednesday, appeared to be a satire on Scientology.

Hayes, a Scientologist, quit the animated comedy after a different episode ridiculed the religion.

In the new show, Chef is brainwashed by the “Super Adventure Club” – thought to be a veiled reference to Scientology.

Brighton, UK.
Britain will witness its first crucifixion for almost two millennia later this week, when Cynewulf is nailed to a cross as punishment for ganking other players as they first appear. Cynewulf, (in real life a 27 year-old electrical engineer from Flint, Michigan, USA) has no need to worry about suffering any permanent pain to his hands or feet, however, as this barbaric sentence is due to be carried out in cyberspace; in the virtual world of Roma Victor®.

Roma Victor is an online recreation of Britain in Roman times, where players live virtual lives as slaves and citizens of that all-conquering Empire. The world is currently in the final stages of testing and will officially launch on July 1st 2006, after which thousands of players will be able to live out their own virtual lives within ancient Roman-occupied Britannia.

“To me, it is now a question of sovereignty.” President of the Oglala Sioux Tribe on the Pine Ridge Reservation, Cecilia Fire Thunder, says “I will personally establish a Planned Parenthood clinic on my own land which is within the boundaries of the Pine Ridge Reservation where the State of South Dakota has absolutely no jurisdiction.”

BROOKLYN (March 22, 2006) — A nude Britney Spears on a bearskin rug while giving birth to her firstborn marks a ‘first’ for Pro-Life. Pop-star Britney Spears is the “ideal” model for Pro-Life and the subject of a dedication at Capla Kesting Fine Art in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg gallery district, in what is proclaimed the first Pro-Life monument to birth, in April.

Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears’ baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. “A superstar at Britney’s young age having a child is rare in today’s celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision,” said gallery co-director, Lincoln Capla. The dedication includes materials provided by Manhattan Right To Life Committee.

Son of a bitch. Fuck South Dakota and those scheming little Pro-“life” assholes. They didn’t wait long to take their shiny new Supreme Court out for a spin, did they? I remember all the promises about how these two uptight ideologues wouldn’t have any effect on the Roe v. Wade question like it was yesterday. Oh wait, that was yesterday. Fuck.

Of course, not all South Dakotians are behind this invasion in utero. A whopping twenty-five percent of the residents of the Coyote State support banning abortion outright. So what is wrong with those assholes in Pierre? It’s the same fucking thing that’s screwy with all the other “Family Values” zealots. They just love telling the rest of us how to behave, but the logic they use makes George Costanza sound like Steven Fucking Hawking.

I built a potato battery out of 500 pounds of potatoes. It powered a small sound system. With the help of the Red 76 crew I installed the battery and sound system in the back of a U-Haul truck and drove it around town inviting people to enter the truck and take a listen.

Batteries work by allowing electrons to pass from one electrode to another. In this case the potato provides phosphoric acid, which enables a chemical reaction causing electrons flow from copper to zinc. The zinc came from galvanized nails and copper came from small pieces of copper. You don’t have to use potatoes; any acidic medium such as citrus fruit will work. I chose potatoes because they are traditional and cheap.

Google Idol is a new online competition for the many talented (and not so talented) people out there who have been waiting for their moment of fame. The competition puts publicly submitted videos from Google Video in a head-to-head knockout tournament of 4 heats and 2 semi finals leading up to the grand final when a winner is announced.

Popularity is judged by the public who vote for their favourite video – and you can vote once a day for the Gidol you want to win. Votes are tallied at the end of the competition and the video with the highest number of votes will be named the winner. Prizes will also be offered for all winners of our major competitions.

MARCH 23–After posting the performance contracts of artists like Bruce Springsteen, the Rolling Stones, and U2, The Smoking Gun has finally obtained the backstage demands of a real rock star. That’s right, below you’ll find a copy of Vice President Dick Cheney’s standard “tour” rider. The document is provided to hotels where Cheney will be bunking and lists how the Republican pol’s “Downtime Suite” needs to be outfitted.