Get Cynical

It all began on September 21st when an otherwise ordinary man in New Delhi dreamt that Lord Ganesha, the elephant-headed God of Wisdom, craved a little milk. Upon awakening, he rushed in the dark before dawn to the nearest temple, where a skeptical priest allowed him to proffer a spoonful of milk to the small stone image. Both watched in astonishment as it disappeared, magically consumed by the God.

What followed is unprecedented in modern Hindu history. Within hours news had spread like a brush fire across India that Ganesha was accepting milk offerings. Tens of millions of people of all ages flocked to the nation’s temples. The unworldly happening brought worldly New Delhi to a standstill, and its vast stocks of milk – more than a million liters – sold out within hours. Just as suddenly as it started in India, it stopped in just 24 hours.

The structure looked extremely formidable. It was situated on a rocky outcropping. The outer courtyard housed the 200 or so Germans it took to maintain the place and the inner courtyard was used by the prisoners. The outer courtyard had two exits. One led over the moat into the town, the other into the forest. The prisoner side was lined with a 100 foot cliff into a river. Although this seemed terribly impregnable, one German officer mentioned, “…apart from putting bars on the windows, it had never really been built for he purpose of keeping people in. A more unsuitable place to hold prisoners will probably never again be chosen.” As with similar structures, the place was a labyrinth of tunnels and passageways, perfect for escaping “bad boys”. Still it wasn’t all tea and crumpets. Before the influx of Red Cross packages, they were literally starving.

But, excruciating as his entry is, Updike is up against some stiff competition. Among the 11 contenders for the prize this year are some of the biggest names in literature, including Salman Rushdie, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Paul Theroux. Of the three, Theroux’s offering, from Blinding Light, is arguably the most deserving of the prize, with its description of a character’s orgasm as

“…not juice at all but a demon eel thrashing in his loins and swimming swiftly up his cock, one whole creature of live slime fighting the stiffness as it rose and bulged at the tip and darted into her mouth.”

Theroux does, at least, manage to insert some punctuation into his description. Giles Coren, however, is in the running for an extract which comprises a 138-word long sentence followed by a two-word followup (“Like Zorro”, in case you were wondering) and which contains the alarming image of an excited male member “leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath”.

I have enclosed below a series of pictures to show how the US government starting around 1994 went back in time with remote sensing and holographic radiation longitudinal emf and sound wave holographic energy beams as shown in the movie time tunnel to place different computer generated holographic archetypes of different Nordic, Celtic, and Aryan faces and other attributes around my body as if I were a microcosm of the center of the universe, Adam, and God, to change the genetic attributes, facial form, eye color, hair color, voice sound, and many other body attributes throughout my life year by year from my birth (1962, Jan 23 Midnight) to the present representing correlation’s between the years in my life and the ages of evolution and history from the beginning of time to the present.

Several people have written to me asking about this website’s name, the Christian Underground, wanting to know why I would choose such a name.

I chose this name as a practical reality as well as in a small way a political statement. Being a Christian in modern America is becoming more and more a dangerous thing. Christians in the workplace, children in our schools, leaders in our community, are penalized (Some times prosecuted) for standing up for their Christian held beliefs. This trend is growing faster and faster.

We know dark days are ahead for Christians, the bible tells us this. That does not mean we cannot be active. It is not hard to envision, near in the future, when publicly discussing issues of deeply held biblical belief, that Christians will be arrested for “Hate Crimes”.

Hey,

Pray to your gods wherever you want. Just don’t make me do it, or tell me about it. I don’t find it as interesting as you do.

Also, try not to pray in the middle of the street or in major throughways. A recent report has stated that traffic jams cost the Ontario public 4 billion per year in lost income, gas, etc. Delaying everyone isn’t very productive.

Please don’t pray in libraries, unless you do so silently. People are trying to read.

Prayer in subways or on major transit is not reccomended, neither is falling asleep. You should keep an eye on your belongings.

Depending on your job, prayer may not always be welcome there, either. For example, if you are a telemarketer or working in a phonce centre, asking your client if you can take 5 minutes to pray while they’re on the phone is not considerate. As well, if you’re an airline pilot or a bus driver, taking a timeout to pray may shake your passengers’ faith in your ability to drive.

Rules for praying in movie theatres follow the rules for praying in libraries.

Please to not stop to pray while filling your gas tank. People are waiting behind you.

Prayer in prison may make you a target for rape. Just saying.

Praying in the middle of class could get you kicked out, and rightly so. The prof needs your full attention.

If someone asks you if you could pray somewhere else, keep in mind what it looks like you’re doing. It appears that you’re talking to yourself, which can put a normal person at unease. At all possible, try holding a cellphone while praying. That will definitely help with the creepiness factor.

Also, if asks you if you could pray somewhere else, or not to pray, or says that prayer is stupid because you’re only talking to yourself, they are not persecuting you. Feeding you to a lion is persecuting you. Asking you to pray in your church or home is not. I, personally, enjoy singing showtunes. If I did it in the middle of a church, I wouldn’t feel persecuted if someone asked me to stop.

Please don’t tell non-religious people thay your praying for them or their souls. It’s silly. Plus, we all know it’s actually a veiled insult.

Your corpse nailed to a board is disturbing, and I don’t necessarily think kids should see it. Again, just saying. Worshipping it is all well and good, but don’t be surprised if other people feel the same way as I do.

Have fun with your website,
Mike

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