Get Cynical

“They put the salmon in salmonella.”

“Suffers from delusions of adequacy.”

“A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong.”

You will need: a single von Neumann machine

Method: A von Neumann machine is any device that is capable of creating an exact copy of itself given nothing but the necessary raw materials. Create one of these that subsists almost entirely on iron, magnesium, aluminum and silicon, the major elements found in Earth’s mantle and core. It doesn’t matter how big it is as long as it can reproduce itself exactly in any period of time. Release it into the ground under the Earth’s crust and allow it to fend for itself. Watch and wait as it creates a second von Neumann machine, then they create two more, then they create four more. As the population of machines doubles repeatedly, the planet Earth will, terrifyingly soon, be entirely eaten up and turned into a swarm of potentially sextillions of machines. Technically your objective would now be complete – no more Earth – but if you want to be thorough then you can command your VNMs to hurl themselves, along with any remaining trace elements, into the Sun. This hurling would have to be achieved using rocket propulsion of some sort, so be sure to include this in your design.

So crazy it might just work.

Brown’s press secretary: “It is very important that time is allowed for Mr. Brown to eat dinner. Given that Baton Rouge is back to normal, restaurants are getting busy. He needs much more [than] 20 to 30 minutes.”

2. The Family Guy

Fox/ 9:00 Sunday – Returning show

This unbelievably foul animated series made a strong come back after being off the air for two years, thanks to the success of DVD sales among young males. The raunchy series follows the Griffins, a blue-collar New England family which includes a martini-swilling, talking dog and a matricidal baby bent on world domination. The show bases its humor on scatological and sexual references (including masturbation, incest, bestiality, necrophilia), and spoofs on popular culture. Institutions such as the church and family are held up to ridicule on a near-weekly basis. One episode this season featured Meg being deflowered by Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live. Parents of young children should be especially concerned because Family Guy’s animated format is sure to attract young viewers. Shockingly, since its return in May, Family Guy is the highest ranked show among 12-17 year olds, and the fifth highest ranked show among children ages 2 to 11.

MERRILL, Wis. – 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

Anything bad happen yet? No? Good. Inspired by the hit TV show “Lost” – and ignoring the fate of the character who played those numbers for a huge lottery win – hundreds of people selected that set of six for the Wednesday night drawing for the $340 million Powerball jackpot.

According to a Wisconsin Lottery spokeswoman, more than 840 people selected those numbers across five states during last week’s Powerball drawing, including 266 in New Hampshire alone.

“A lot of people are playing those numbers,” said Eva Robelia, spokeswoman for the Wisconsin Lottery. “There could be thousands of people who play the ‘Lost’ numbers overall.”

The Goal

We hope that Self-Portrait Day functions as a way for people to discover new faces. For those of us who find we’re following the same circle of Web sites every day, we hope that this will act as a way to discover new places. Basically, it’s a launching pad; almost every portrait is clickable and should lead you someplace new. There are 6 new faces featured every day, Monday through Friday, and there are only a few simple rules regarding submissions.