Satellite picture of the disputed Hans Island
Last month I posted about Hans Island, a tiny uninhabited island just off of Greenland which is claimed by both Canada and Denmark. So far the dispute has led to both countries putting up their flags on the island and on August 4, Denmark sent the HDMS Tulugag, a patrol cutter, to the vicinity (Once a Viking, always a Viking).
This got me thinking of what would happen if the U.S. were to get involved. I’m guessing it would go something like this:
August 17, 2005 President George W. Bush receives a daily brief titled “Hans Islanders Determined to Strike in US”. He quickly puts it aside to play horseshoes with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
September 8, 2005 Refreshed from vacation, Pres. Bush meets with constituents, aka Halliburton, where he is told that Hans Island is crucial in experimenting with oil rigs. A plan is drawn up to take control of Hans Island if Bush can get Vice President Dick Cheney’s approval.
September 9, 2005 Cheney gives Bush the OK with a nod and emphatic grunt.
September 11, 2005 In a speech honoring the victims of 9/11, Bush refers to the Axis of Evil still operating in places like Afghanistan, Iraq, and Hans Island. The main stream media, puzzled by the reference to an uninhabited arctic island, just shrugs
September 17, 2005 During an interview on Meet The Press, Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, refers to the growing threat of countries who are developing nuclear weapons such as Iran and even worse yet, that “derelict island off of Greenland”. Tim Russert looks confused.
September 18, 2005 During a press briefing about the condition of the President after falling off a Segway while choking on a pretzel on the previous day, Scott McLellan states that the President is fine and will be able to give his full attention to the growing threat of that “derelict island off of Greenland”. Helen Thomas throws up in her mouth.
September 23, 2005 With still nary a mention in the press about the nuclear threat by Hans Island, the President switches gears. During a nationally televised speech about “The War on Terror”, Bush goes on record saying that he believes that Al Qaeda, although weakened, has recently set up terrorist training camps in a small arctic island called Hans Island. Not only that, but Hans Island is not a democracy and might even be a dictatorship therefore it is a threat to our national security. Oh, yeah, and they have Weapons of Mass Destruction. How did I almost forget about the Weapons of Mass Destruction?
September 24, 2005 Paul Krugman writes an Op-Ed piece in the NY Times about his meeting with a scientist for the USGS, Dr. Richard Emmers, who is adamant that not only does Hans Island not have a dictatorship for a government, it doesn’t even have a population.
September 25, 2005 Robert Novak writes an article disclosing that Dr. Richard Emmers is a CIA Operative.
September 25, 2005 Instapundit links to an article in the Wall Street Journal about the threat of having Al Qaeda in the arctic to worry about and says “Indeed”. Damn that guy is good.
September 26, 2005 Somewhere in the cold black of night, Dick Cheney growls at the moon.
September 28, 2005 Greta Van Sustern reports on her “news” show that a teenage girl, let’s call her Blondie, on a school trip in Greenland is missing. CNN immediately picks up the story and questions if this is related to Hans Island. Nobody asks what kind of school goes on a trip to Greenland.
September 30, 2005 President Bush sets a deadline for the peaceful surrender of Hans Island by October 5th. Hans Island remains defiantly quiet.
October 1, 2005 Michelle Malkin on The O’Reilly Factor calls for the internment of all Hans Islanders currently living in the United States.
October 2, 2005 Atrios links to a video of Michelle Malkin’s rant on Crooks and Liars which is then picked up by a diarist for The Daily Kos who writes about the one Hans Islander living in the US named Poko, a polar bear currently incarcerated in Capron Park Zoo in Attleboro, MA. The War of Hans Island is officially blogworthy now.
October 6, 2005 Sean Penn announces that he will visit Hans Island but unfortunately gets in a scuffle with the helicopter pilot during the flight which goes down into the frigid waters. There are no survivors.
October 6, 2005 The deadline for the surrender of Hans Island passes with no response. Bush does a jig.
October 7, 2005 Congress quickly passes a resolution giving President Bush authority for the use of military force in dealing with Hans Island. Senator John Kerry issues the statement “I am against any invasion of a peaceful arctic island.” He votes in favor of the resolution.
October 8, 2005 President Bush gives a televised address about the situation in Hans Island. Karl Rove chortles.
October 9, 2005 In an OxyContin fueled tirade, Rush Limbaugh accuses Bush of being too soft on Hans Island. He says, “I mean ladies and gentlemen, the deadline passed 4 days ago and still no action. This is all Bill Clinton’s fault of course. If he had worried more about Hans Island than interns…” The red states are now fully backing the Hans Island War.
October 10, 2005 6:00am The invasion of Hans Island begins. Donald Rumsfeld announces that “Operation Whatcha Gonna Do About It?” has begun. Casualties are light and the Hans Islanders resistance is almost nill except for a pesky otter who tries to play fetch with a marine landing unit.
October 10, 2005 6:25am In a stunning lightning-fast victory, the Marine landing forces have the entire island contained and have set up a perimeter around, well, around the entire island.
October 10, 2005 10:00am Congress passes an 80 billion dollar spending package for Hans Island including funding to rebuild roads, buildings and whatever else you can think of damaged during the invasion. Senator John Kerry issues the statement “I am against any spending package where we waste taxpayers money.” He votes in favor of the package.
October 12, 2005 Canada and Denmark both shrug.
Ok, did I miss anything?