How To Define Beauty

On the Inefficiency of Beauty Contests, & A Suggestion for their Modernization.

One thousand such ships makes 20,000 tons. By this measure, the woman who breaks a bottle of champagne over the prow of a ship of 20,000 tons displacement and so launches it, becomes the equal to Menelaus’ wandering spouse. At least so far as maritime affairs are concerned.

If an average-size woman were to do no more than launch herself–by getting into the bathtub, say– she would automatically get credit for about .3 hundredths of a ship launching. Larger women would do a little better.

If ships launched were the sole measure of beauty, Eleanor Roosevelt and Mamie Eisenhower would emerge, without peer, as the most desirable of women. Marilyn Monroe would not even be in the running. The pyromaniacal inclinations of the toothsome Mamie and Eleanor were, however, imperceptible. They didn’t even smoke.

Beer Floats


I hate beer so this idea made me retch. But that’s just me.

So, we were sitting around 3FS Headquarters one day thinking up things to do when it hit us, beer floats! We’re not sure where the idea came from or why, but we were intrigued, so we set out to do an experiment. The experiment had to be scientific, yet as entertaining as possible. In order to try as many different styles and brands of beers we bought the Beers From Around the World, which holds sixteen beers and threw in a Sierra Nevada Wheat for Chico. We then got a whole bunch of clear plastic cups and some Dryers Vanilla ice cream.