Get Cynical

Once upon a time, I had a desire to assemble panels from comic books which contained word balloons expressing discomfort. My friend David Mason described this as a “plap” (a “personal life artistic project”) – often conceived, but rarely finished.

Nevertheless, I was determined to gather images, and turn them into a zine. This proved more difficult than I thought. Most panels with “unngh!” in them are incredibly dull. If my zine was going to have only one joke, I had to find entertaining panels to keep the attention span of the reader.

Frank Sinatra: Shut up! Okay, issue number four: Milli Vanilli. What is this faggot crap? Uncle Fester!

Sinead O’Connor: I don’t understand the question.

Frank Sinatra: I’ll tell you what you better understand! Next time you see Old Glory riding up that pole, you better sing that anthem, darling! You’re lucky you’re a chick, or you’d be nothing but a stain on the road and a crewcut. Our founding fathers went to the mat for you, baby!

Sinead O’Connor: It’s not my flag – I’m Irish.

Frank Sinatra: Oh? Well, then stay off of this stuff.. [ mimes drinking ] That’s the curse of you people. Billy Idol!

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor.. and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know – when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you.

And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lat it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly.. [ assembles the garbage ] ..let’s take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back.. fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square.. and.. we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully – this way, it won’t leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It’s really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag.. [ opens bag ] ..place the refuse inside.. [ drops it in ] ..and.. oh no, this bag is torn.. [ looks around ] Well.. no, that’s alright. We’ll just fold over, and no will see. We’ll fold it over twice to be careful.. then we get our tape. [ grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy ] And, we tape it shut – be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [ holds up bag ] All ready for the trash. Now that’s some garbage you can live with!

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American Atheists National Outreach Director Neal Cary is encouraging atheists and nonbelievers everywhere to spread “the good news about the good book.” Working with Frank Zindler, editor of “American Atheist Magazine,” they have put together a list of inspirational quotes which can be referred to — or even quoted directly — in letters to public officials, school officials, and the news media.

Mr. Zindler cautions, though, “It is important to use the unexpurgated King James version, not the “New King James,” which has had all the ‘pisseth’ drained out of it. Other modern versions too have been cleaned up. Not all Gideon bibles stolen from motel rooms are The Real McCoy. Before reading from a bible, check 1 Kings 14:10 to make sure the urea solution is still there full-strength”