Get Cynical

3. After witnessing the greatest choke in sports history, why didn’t Steinbrenner blow up this winter like one of the characters in “Glengarry Glen Ross”?
When he was relatively silent for those first few days, I kept envisioning the post-Lufthansa heist murder scene from “Goodfellas,” with “Layla” playing in the background as Joe Torre’s bloody corpse gets pulled out of a pink Cadillac, followed by Brian Cashman frozen to death in a meat truck. But he kept himself in check, which makes me wonder if George is just plain old and we haven’t fully realized it yet. Remember, this is the same guy who hired someone to basically frame Dave Winfield, whose biggest crime was that he wasn’t quite as good as Reggie Jackson. Now George is watching the Red Sox celebrate at Yankee Stadium … and there are no major repercussions? Huh?

(We’re sure he’s still alive, right?)

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* In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn’t be long enough for me.

* I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I’d be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.

* I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.

* I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.

* I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.

* I’m not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a “Bobby’s Law” that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.

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