Get Cynical

Experiment #5. For my next experiment, I made sure to check the toll booth sign, which reads “$1.00 COINS ONLY NO BILLS PENNIES OR CANADIAN COINS.” (With all that toll money, you’d think they could afford some punctuation.) Fortunately, the sign makes no mention of other foreign coins, which is the loophole I used for my next experiment. I consulted an online currency calculator to get up-to-the-minute exchange rates, then tossed in the following coins:

1 Indian Rupee ($0.02 U.S.)
15 Thai Baht ($0.36 U.S.)
11 Singapore cents ($0.06 U.S.)
1 Finnish Marka and 200 Italian Lira (no longer used, since the Euro came to town)

In November 1938 the English fashion magazine Homes & Gardens profiled on page 193-195 the home of Adolf Hitler, dictator, for its readers: “Hitler’s Mountain home, a visit to ‘Haus Wachenfeld’ in the Bavarian Alps, written and illustrated by Ignatius Phayre.” [source] We republish the article here for the convenience of academics and scholars.

In our modern age of lycra and comfort, it can be difficult to understand what it could have been like to wear a real corset. To wear a garment so restrictive as to hinder the development of vital organs, to wear this garment night and day from as early as the age of 5 years old.

Nowadays our lungs and rib cages are allowed to develop into the shape nature intended, allowing us a greater lung capacity and overall better health than our ancestors. Our happily un-compressed inner organs allow us the health and strength to carry a child to term as well as survive the delivery. Fainting couches and smelling salts are things of the past.

Can human breed with kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code? On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than with Kal-El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match…

One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a lump on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm from entering. Within the now fertilized egg, changes take place…

And ten million kryponite sperm arrive slightly late.

Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickned cell wall won’t stop them. They will all enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artifical insemination.

According to Universal Press Syndicate, newspapers pulling today’s strip included The Detroit News and the Star Tribune in Minneapolis. The Poynter Institute’s Romenesko site reported that the Chicago Tribune also dropped today’s “Boondocks,” with the paper saying the comic “presents inaccurate information as fact.”

The Marshall Plan .. the Truman Policy .. all pumped billions upon billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now, newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent war-mongering Americans.

I’d like to see one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplanes.

Come on… let’s hear it! Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tristar or the Douglas 107? If so, why don’t they fly them? Why do all international lines except Russia fly American planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or women on the moon?

You talk about Japanese technocracy and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy and you find men on the moon, not once, but several times … and safely home again. You talk about scandals and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everyone to look at. Even the draft dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, most of them … unless they are breaking Canadian laws .. are getting American dollars from Ma and Pa at home to spend here.

We consider your publically, unauthorized, prominentally displayed sign to be extemely damaging to us and request you take immediate steps to mitigate damages and an apology be issued. I anticipate your response, at once.